10 reasons why kids say: «I hate you»
The most unpleasant — and perhaps even frightening — words a child can say are these: "Mom, I hate you!" While parents may tolerate moods, complaints, and tantrums, they rarely expect to hear such harsh words from their own child. These words are scary for parents. It can feel as if their world collapses, making all their efforts — the love, the gifts, the life they've given — seem pointless. But before you panic, let’s explore why a child might say this to their mother or father. Where do these words come from?What exactly does a child want to express when they say those words? Can you remember the situations when these phrases "slip out" from your child? Is it possible to identify common situations and guess the reason why these words, which sound so cruel to parents, are spoken? You have to agree: the phrase "I hate you!" is never uttered by accident.
Advice:
You know your child best. If it seems that their anger is too strong and you can’t help them manage their feelings, don’t expect the problem to solve itself. We suggest taking our unique Parenting Mentor Test, which helps you understand your own feelings and moods while also understanding your child better. As a result, you’ll receive detailed recommendations to help your child develop skills for managing emotions, feeling safe, and expressing themselves in healthier ways.
- Sometimes, children say these words when they can’t express their negative emotions in a more appropriate way. According to experts, most preschoolers will say "I hate you!" at some point. Many parents realize this is a way for a child to express displeasure.
But they often react poorly. Usually, the response is: "How could you say that? I never want to hear that from you again." Maybe after several repetitions the child will stop saying it, but bottled-up negative emotions need an outlet. The child will likely find other, possibly more destructive, ways to express them — for example, fighting, biting, or pretending not to hear parents, or ignoring them in other ways.
Allowing a child to express their emotions helps them learn how to manage them — this is part of developing communication skills. - These words may be spoken in moments of protest, when a child is not just unhappy with a situation but actively resists it. For instance, you want to go for a walk, but your son or daughter refuses because of the weather. You deny a request that feels EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to them! And the reaction may be: "I hate you!"
Could you have paid more attention to their wishes, to their point of view? Could you have listened to what they had to say, rather than rejecting it before realizing just how important it was for them? - Sometimes, these words are a form of resistance to force or coercion. Parents do have some power over their children, but it can be used in good ways or in harmful ones. If you use force or threats, your child may resist by saying things they later regret.
Children love their parents unconditionally. Parents need to realize when they “go too far,” demanding things from their child that may be impossible given the child’s age, life experience, individuality, or understanding of the world. - Children may say these words when feeling guilty. These can be the most painful moments for a child. Children know their parents are the best in the world. They want to love and be loved, but sometimes can’t act as expected. This is especially true of children who are very demanding of themselves, always questioning what others think or say about them. What if they do things wrong? What if their parents won’t like it?
You probably won’t hear an outburst from such a child. Instead, they may direct harsh words at themselves, which can be equally harmful, lowering their self-esteem. - Sometimes these words arise when parental authority is questioned and rules are unclear. If rules and boundaries are unclear, children may react with harsh words. Sometimes parents are unsure of themselves — are we too strict? Too lenient? If a parent promises but doesn’t follow through, threatens punishment but then cancels it, or alternates between "No!" and "Yes!" for the same request, it creates confusion for the child. "I hate you!" becomes just one of many things that might slip out, and the child may not regret saying it.
In these situations, punishments may escalate but no longer have any impact. The real issue is the lack of clear boundaries and parents’ ongoing doubts and uncertainties. - Some situations arise simply because a parent can’t say "No" to their child. Being able to refuse calmly and confidently is a valuable skill — and will help your child as they grow up. Parents, ask yourselves: can you say "No!" when needed? If not, it’s time to learn — if only to pass that skill on to your child.
Why does not being able to say "No" result in words like “I hate you”? Because if a child grows up always getting what they want, believing that no one can deny them, their demands only increase. Sooner or later, parents will have to refuse something, but their children — used to always getting their way — may not understand. Can you set boundaries kindly but firmly? Yes, you can.
For example, if your child wants to keep playing when you’re tired, don’t be afraid to tell them, “That’s enough, I’m tired. I’ll read a book. You can read too.” Say it calmly but firmly, without anger, making it clear you won’t discuss it further. - Sometimes the problem is how parents react to criticism from their children. Many believe a child should never criticize their parents. But is this true? Are parents always right? How should you respond to criticism from your child?
Can you accept it in your relationship? How do you react to comments like "Daddy, you’re wrong" or "Mom, I don’t agree with you"? Teach your child — by example — how to give constructive criticism: use arguments, explain reasons, and offer suggestions. Make “criticize — suggest” the foundation of discussions. - If your child has never said such words before, it might be simple imitation. Maybe they heard it on TV or from a friend. Sometimes, relatives involved in family tensions (such as an ex-husband, mother-in-law, or grandparents) may influence your child. While you can’t shield children from everything, you should explain the meaning and impact of such phrases.
- Often, "I hate you" is said automatically, without much thought. The phrase is easy to say, and in most cases, children mean something else. These words come from their emotional, not logical, mind.
If they were calm, safe, and able to express themselves differently, they might say: “Mom/Dad, I’m upset about your decision,” “It’s hard for me to control myself,” “I need help with this problem,” “This seems unfair to me,” “I’m having trouble coping,” “I don’t know how to tell you I’m upset,” “I feel sad and lonely,” or “I don’t think you hear me.” Wouldn’t that be better? It’s possible — but requires practice.
Of course, parents don’t want to hear such words again. Demanding “Just stop saying that” won’t work. Instead, children must be taught to use better words to express their feelings. - Finally, a child may simply be repeating the painful words they’ve heard from their parents. It’s no secret that even educated, intelligent parents sometimes say, “I hate you when you do that!” in anger — whether to their child, partner, or even someone else. But children remember these words, and will repeat them in times of anger, frustration, or stubbornness.