10 Steps to Help Your Teenage Daughter Who Feels Hurt by Divorce
The divorce of parents is a shock for any child and will inevitably have consequences. It is a traumatic process during which children experience a wide range of emotions and concerns. A child’s behavior often changes because they fear losing one of their parents. Girls in particular may become withdrawn, impulsive, uncontrollable, or even aggressive. They may suffer from anxiety, lose self-control, struggle with insomnia and neurosis, and their perception of love, loyalty, and family may change.After a divorce, the mother may be seen as the "offender" in her daughter's eyes, especially if the daughter believes her mother was responsible for the breakup. Sometimes, to distract herself from divorce-related problems, a mother may become overprotective of her daughter, crossing personal boundaries.
The mother-daughter relationship can fluctuate between closeness and distance, resentment and deep love, guilt and apathy, exhaustion and hopelessness. The daughter tries to balance her wish for independence with her need for support. The mother’s attitude can vary from cold distance or indifference to strong control or invasion of privacy.
Advice:
It’s important to recognize that if parents truly need a divorce, the child may need it too. Children are often even more unhappy in a household filled with tension and constant conflict. Try our unique Parenting Mentor Test, which can help you and your teen navigate this difficult period and offer practical recommendations for rebuilding your relationship and trust.
Many parents don't realize how traumatic a divorce can be for their children. The most important thing is to rebuild and nurture your relationship with your daughter after the divorce, and not lose the close bond you once had. Here are 10 practical tips to help build a positive relationship with your daughter:
- Shield your daughter from the conflicts and fallout of the divorce. She should not be blamed for the fights, nor should she become a go-between for her parents. Teens often feel responsible for their parents’ breakup. It’s crucial to reassure your daughter and help restore her sense of security and self-esteem.
Spend quality time together, talk about feelings, and show her—both in words and actions—that neither parent has abandoned her and she is still deeply loved. Make sure she understands she is not to blame for what happened.
Parents should not blame each other in front of the child. Let her know the divorce was a mutual decision to avoid creating lasting resentment. - Never argue, fight, or insult each other in front of your daughter. If you must divorce, avoid sharing details unless your daughter asks and wants to know. She does not need to hear about betrayals or faded love. Instead, assure her that her father may be living elsewhere, but he will visit and still loves her very much.
- Don’t use gifts as a way to win her favor. Avoid saying things like, "Your dad didn’t allow this, but I’ll get it for you tomorrow." Children quickly pick up on opportunities to manipulate and, if given the chance, may exploit it. Regaining your parental authority afterward can be tough.
- If your daughter has a good relationship with her father, don’t make him out to be the "enemy." Don’t forbid her from seeing him or claim it’s better without him. She still loves her dad, and by vilifying him, you could unintentionally turn her against you.
- Don’t force your daughter to choose sides. Suggesting that her spending time with her father is a betrayal is unfair and painful. Support her relationship with him; constant contact is important for her sense of stability and identity.
Remember, a father remains an essential role model for his daughter. Girls who grow up without a positive male figure sometimes struggle with relationships later in life. - Don’t make her spy on her father or keep secrets from him. When she returns after visiting her dad, avoid prying into their conversations. She will open up if and when she feels ready.
- Always be honest with your daughter. Building a trusting relationship with a teen is challenging, especially after divorce. Teens may develop issues like neurosis, exhaustion, depression, or even physical symptoms. Be supportive, show sincere interest in her experiences, and listen to her feelings.
- Never neglect your daughter despite your own difficulties. Keep communicating. If you notice her withdrawing or growing more distant, talk about emotions openly and seek ways to reconnect. Make sure she never feels abandoned.
Your role is to improve your relationship and offer support, but avoid overprotectiveness or excessive control. Otherwise, you risk alienating her, and she might respond by hiding things or retreating from you emotionally.
Build trust by knowing where she is and who she is with, but avoid controlling behaviors. Don’t make her feel that you alone are the most important person in her life. This could cause her to hide her true feelings or become overly focused on your emotional state, losing touch with her interests. - If you constantly say all men are bad, your daughter might come to believe relationships are doomed to fail. Assure her: “Things didn’t work out between me and your father, but I know you’ll find happiness.”
- Your teen may struggle in school during the divorce. Don’t criticize her for lower grades. The home environment should be a place of safety and comfort, even after a breakup. Talk to her and explain that her academic struggles may be connected to the divorce. Give her time to adjust—her performance will improve as she heals.
If your ex is trying to turn your daughter against you, and your actions are being misinterpreted, seek support from a trustworthy intermediary—ideally, a psychologist. It will be more difficult for the other parent to twist your words when a neutral adult is involved.
Before criticizing or blaming your daughter, reflect on your own behavior. Maybe your actions or lack of attention contributed to her choices. In challenging times, consider consulting a psychologist. With a patient and loving heart, almost any situation can change for the better.
To strengthen your bond after a divorce, simply be there for your daughter, reassure her of your love (and her father’s), and remind her she will always be cherished.
Create your own traditions. Nothing binds people together like rituals and traditions. Start something special just for you and your daughter—whether it’s skiing every winter, movie nights, beauty salon visits, or weekly swimming. Anything you both enjoy will help you reconnect. It’s even better if you share little secrets as part of your traditions.