10 ways to avoid and prevent parent-child conflicts
The world isn’t perfect, and neither are parents. However, it’s essential to strive for improvement, as this leads to progress both for society and for each individual. That’s why parents read various educational resources to learn how to raise their children well and avoid conflicts. Yet, complex, scientific literature is not always accessible to the average parent who has no specialized training.Every parent wants their child to be obedient, but they also hope their children will grow up to be self-motivated and achieve success. However, being obedient often contradicts self-motivation.
10 ways to avoid and prevent parent-child conflicts:
- Consider the needs of each age
Children’s perceptions change as they grow. Each age comes with its unique needs, and it’s vital to understand these differences during conflicts. Recognizing this is fundamental for building a wise approach to parenting, significantly minimizing conflicts.
Ages 0 to 5 years. At this stage, children primarily need warmth, affection, and love. That’s why they seek frequent cuddling and attention; they need to feel loved.
Ages 5 to 14 years. Here, children crave opportunities to learn and play. They naturally absorb new information through play, making it essential to support both learning and recreation.
Ages 14 and up. Teenagers need acknowledgment—from peers, parents, and society. - Avoid a "top-down" approach to parenting
Parents often act like bosses with their children, expecting obedience while simultaneously wanting them to be self-motivated. However, conformity can hinder independence and motivation.
Young children (under five) see their parents as magical providers. Parents should offer both emotional and physical warmth to avoid becoming distant or harsh. Children need to be hugged, held, and kissed.
Between ages 5 and 14, children learn best through play. It’s important to allow them to play and explore. Education should be integrated into play whenever possible.
From age 14 onward, teenagers resist "boss-subordinate" dynamics—not just with parents, but with teachers and peers too. They crave relationships based on trust and equality. At this age, the best teaching is by personal example. - Allow for freedom of choice
Too many restrictions can make children antisocial or rebellious.
Children under five don’t understand forbidden actions. For their safety, create a secure environment and redirect their attention with alternatives when needed.
Those aged 5–14 need freedom to choose extracurricular activities and focus on the school subjects they enjoy. Don’t demand top grades in everything; support their strengths.
Teenagers value their independence the most. The more you prohibit, the more likely they are to rebel. Instead of outright bans, use logic and persuasion. Show them respect, and confrontation is less likely. - Avoid nagging or being overly critical
Don’t expect perfection or focus on minor issues; otherwise, conflict is inevitable. Even adults aren’t perfect, so don’t demand constant excellence from children. Let them enjoy their childhood.
Especially for young children, any criticism can feel like a rejection. Limit nagging as much as possible.
Research suggests children over five need ten positive comments or gestures for every correction. If the balance tips, children may feel ignored and parents might mistakenly believe they’re being defiant.
Children learn diligence from their parents’ attitudes. If you complain about chores, children associate them with negativity. - Don’t ignore your child’s words
Children often share what makes them happy or sad—even if it seems trivial to adults. These things matter to them.
For example, if a child tells you about a broken toy, take the time to listen. Brushing them off can make them feel uncared for.
Listening shows love and helps avoid potential conflicts. - Avoid venting anger on your children and ensure punishments fit the misbehavior
Everyone experiences negative emotions, but it’s unfair to take them out on children. For example, overreacting to a minor mishap like a broken cup by harshly restricting play is unjust.
First, if you're upset and your child approaches, be honest: “Honey, I’m in a bad mood right now and might say something I’d regret. Let’s talk later.” Sincerity helps children understand.
Second, make sure any punishment fits the actual deed.
Advice:
Take our unique Parenting Mentor Test to discover how you can manage your own negative emotions and prevent psychological trauma for your child. You’ll receive tailored recommendations from your test results. - Avoid overpraising and set clear behavior standards
It’s important to avoid both excessive criticism and excessive praise, or ignoring inappropriate behavior. For example, if a mother ignores her daughter sticking gum in another child's hair and dismisses it as mere childishness, she’s missing a teaching moment about social norms. Children need to learn societal standards.
Overpraising or ignoring bad behavior can result in sudden, harsh punishments when the child’s actions become intolerable, which confuses the child and damages trust. - Always keep promises to your children and avoid “white lies”
Often, parents promise things and forget to follow through, teaching children that it’s acceptable to break promises. If a child sees a parent breaking promises, they may adopt the same habit.
When facing uncomfortable questions, some parents make up fanciful explanations. However, children remember odd answers and may come to see parents as unreliable. It’s best to use age-appropriate, honest explanations.
For example: To a five-year-old asking, “Where do babies come from?” you might answer: “Kate, babies come from their mom’s tummy.” When pressed, “They’re there because love is a magical feeling that can do amazing things.” This isn’t a lie; it's a simplified, age-appropriate answer. - Consider your child’s opinions
Adults often assume they know more than their children, but kids view the world with a fresh, unbiased outlook. Remember, your child is a family member and deserves to share their opinion, especially from age five and up.
Ask your child’s thoughts about situations—sometimes their insights will surprise you. Valuing their input helps them develop confidence and independence, which is especially crucial for teenagers. - In conflicts, parents should not take sides
Don’t side with one child over another during conflicts. Even if your child is at fault, taking sides makes you seem like a traitor. In families with multiple children, the best approach is to let children resolve their disputes themselves. You can say, “I see you’ve argued. But I love you both equally and can’t judge who’s right. You’ll need to work it out together.”