5 Important Conflict Resolution Skills for Teens
Conflict situations can arise unexpectedly—sometimes resulting in open disputes, at other times in unspoken hurt or even a real "battle." Some parents advise, "Never let it come to conflicts." However, this isn't entirely accurate, because conflicts are sometimes necessary. It is inevitable that your desires and your child’s will eventually clash. A conflict provides an opportunity to explore the inner world of your teenager, characterize their behavior, analyze the causes of conflicts and aggression, and identify ways to resolve these issues."What causes conflicts and leads to heightened emotions?"
First, let’s look at how and why conflicts arise between parents and their children. Consider this typical example: A mother is trying to finish preparations before welcoming guests, only to discover there’s no bread at home. She asks her daughter to go to the store, but the daughter already has plans to meet her friends and doesn’t want to be late. Both mother and daughter ask each other to see the situation from the other's perspective, but neither is willing to yield.
What causes the conflict and leads to "passions"?
Clearly, it’s a parent-child conflict of interests (is it the only reason? YES). In such cases, satisfying one party's desire usually infringes on the other's interests, causing intense negative feelings such as irritation, resentment, and anger. When interests collide, both the teenager and the parent are faced with a problem. What can you do in these situations?
When there is a discrepancy, some parents feel the only option is to stand their ground, while others believe it’s better to give in to preserve peace. And so we arrive at two non-constructive ways of conflict resolution, often called "Only One Wins."
- Non-constructive way of conflict resolution: "The Parent Wins"
For example, in the bread scenario, the mother might say: "You will go buy bread whether you like it or not! Your sports group can wait."
How might the daughter respond? The mother’s command, accusations, and threats might prompt a reaction like: "No, I won’t go! And you can’t make me!"
Parents who use this approach believe it’s necessary to defeat the child and crush their resistance. Unknowingly, they set an example of questionable "always get your way regardless of others" behavior. Children pick up on their parents’ mannerisms and imitate them from an early age. In families where authoritarian or coercive tactics are used, children quickly learn to behave in the same way.
There is a softer variant, where the parent insists firmly but kindly, possibly providing explanations until the child gives in. However, if this pressure is ongoing and parents always get their way, children learn another message: "My personal interests and needs don’t matter. I will always have to do what my parents want or demand." In such families, this dynamic can persist for years, with children consistently losing out. These children may become either aggressive or overly passive, accumulating anger and resentment, which damages their relationship with their parents and prevents closeness and trust. - Non-constructive way of conflict resolution: "Only the Child Wins"
This approach is typical of parents who fear conflict ("peace at any price") or who continually sacrifice their own needs "for the good of the child," or both. In these families, children may grow up selfish, disorganized, and lacking self-discipline. Meanwhile, parents can become increasingly dissatisfied with their child and their own situation.
Advice:
If not resolved effectively, even small family conflicts inevitably lead to an "accumulation effect." To find out how constructive your approach is to resolving various conflict situations with your child, take our unique Parenting Mentor Test. Based on your results, we'll offer suggestions on how to adjust your behavior and avoid interest-based conflicts with your teenager.
For successful conflict resolution, focus on the issue that triggered the conflict rather than attacking the person. This idea is simple, but as is often the case, it’s not easy to master.
Here are 5 important conflict resolution skills:
- Identify the cause of the conflict
You can't solve a problem without understanding its root. Conflicts arise when people or groups have different perspectives. Disagreements occur when what one person wants differs from what another wants, or when their interests and opinions clash. Clarify the problem: what each person wants or does not want, what matters to them, and what obstacles they face. Often, when adults start to listen to their child, the conflict loses its intensity. What once seemed like "mere stubbornness" becomes recognized as a legitimate issue deserving attention. - Don’t try to end the conflict at all costs
The urge to find an immediate solution can make it hard to understand another’s point of view. Rushing to resolve tension, especially between parents and children, often leaves both parties dissatisfied and can lead to anger or a sense of deep misunderstanding. We might believe that conflicts have no place in loving families, where relationships are harmonious and appreciative. As a result, we may try to resolve issues too quickly, or even avoid conflict altogether because we see it as something negative. But conflict does not necessarily mean something has gone wrong. - Take a step back: pause and allow time
Instead of rushing to find solutions, observe and analyze the conflict. This opens up new opportunities to achieve a positive outcome. Sometimes, emotions can make us exaggerate or complicate situations, which hinders effective resolution. Parents’ ability to pause in such moments is vital, and children value this. Distance helps you see things more objectively. Even when worries are inevitable, don’t be led by the impulse to act immediately. After a pause, you'll feel calmer and can respond more effectively. - Allow your child to express difficult feelings
If parents don’t allow teenagers to express their feelings or suppress their emotions, teens may not learn to handle strong emotions and might even feel ashamed or disconnected from them. It is important to allow your child to engage with conflict—this helps them learn, with your support, how to measure and contain their aggression. - Help your teenager navigate disagreements
Teens need to test the boundaries of their personal space. With your guidance, they will develop interpersonal skills, learning how to cope with disappointment, disagreement, and to build effective strategies for dealing with the world. Helping your child accept and work through the inevitable conflicts that arise in relationships will boost their self-esteem and teach them to accept diverse viewpoints. It's far better to help resolve problems than to forbid arguments or punish them for disagreements.
-
Speaking irritably or using swear words;
-
Demonstrating superiority;
-
Attributing negative intentions to your teenager;
-
Evading responsibility;
-
Ignoring your teenager’s interests;
-
"Pushing their buttons."