5 Reasons Why Your Child Says «I Hate You»
Every parent has faced moments when children don’t fully understand the weight of the words they use. Remember this when your child says big words like “I don't love you” or “I hate you.”What shouldn’t you do when your child says “I hate you”?
Don’t take offense and don’t punish your child for saying this, no matter how unpleasant it feels. Avoid banning these words as an ultimatum without explaining: “It’s terrible that you say this! Never let me hear this again.”
Your child may stop using such strong words, but unless the real issue is addressed, they might begin to act out in other ways, leading to even more problems.
Most likely, your child does not attach the same meaning to this phrase as adults do. So why does your child use these words, which are so difficult for any parent to hear?
Why did your child say “I hate you!”?
- Excessive Demands on the Child
Frequent dissatisfaction with your child’s behavior or their achievements can provoke an “I hate you.” Parental approval is vital for children, even if they don't verbally express this need. Each child develops at their own pace as they learn about the world. When parents rush their development or set the bar too high, children accumulate anxiety and uncertainty about being loved, and may even feel worthless. Every subsequent moment of sadness or resentment, even if minor, can strengthen these feelings.
How to proceed?
Try to understand your child's feelings. Set aside 15 minutes for an “Exploring the Child's Feelings” exercise. Recall and picture a situation when your child experienced strong emotions—resentment, anger, or sadness linked to words of hatred. What happened immediately before? Where was your child, and what were you and the other parent doing? Try to identify the reason for your child’s feelings. Were they disappointed in themselves, worried about not earning your praise, or afraid of being scolded? Reimagine the situation with a different response from yourself. Imagine how your child’s state might change as a result.
Repeat this exercise 1–2 times a week until the issue no longer troubles you. It will help you become a more attentive parent. - Strong Negative Feelings
Children under 4 years old cannot yet express negative feelings in a healthy way. At this age, their love for parents is unconditional, and saying “I hate you” is just an attempt to release pent-up negative emotions.
How to proceed?
Teach your child to express anger, frustration, and resentment safely for themselves and for your relationship. Your main tool is your own example. When you are angry with your child or another family member, don’t blurt out, “I’m tired of this!” Instead, try explaining your feelings: “I’m late for work and I’m feeling very anxious. It hurts and bothers me that you don’t listen, get distracted, and get dressed slowly.”
Ask questions about your child’s feelings: “What are you afraid of?”, “Why are you crying?”, “How do you feel?” Listen without judgment. If your child struggles to verbalize feelings, help by offering suggestions: “Are you crying because you’re hurt?”, “Are you upset?”, “Do you feel bad because Dad left without saying goodbye?”, and so on. - Manipulation
School-aged children sometimes try to influence parents by expressing extreme feelings, hoping to cause guilt or to get what they want—be it a treat, a special privilege, or the lifting of a punishment.
How to proceed?
Parents in this case should not give in to emotional manipulation. Once you make and announce a decision, don’t let an emotional “I hate you” sway you. Staying calm, reasonable, and unemotional works best.
If you find it hard to understand your child’s feelings, try our Parent Mentor Test. Experts will analyze your situation and provide clear, effective advice for improving your relationship with your child. - The Child Feels Uncertain or Chaotic
In this case, rebellious words or behavior are often a cry for help. The child may need clearer boundaries or a more consistent routine. “I hate you” can actually mean, “I need your firm guidance. Stop me. You're the parent.”
How to proceed?
Even if you’re upset, don’t overreact by suddenly adopting a harsh, authoritarian manner if you didn’t do so before. Extreme punishments won’t build your authority, but may push your child further away.
Instead, create a daily routine if one is lacking. Start with three or four essential activities—preferably ones your child already enjoys or does regularly. Increase these gradually.
Also, build your own parental confidence by keeping your promises. For example, if you promise your child you’ll be home at a certain time, follow through.
Your “yes” and “no” should be clear and consistent. Don’t say “no” if you think you might change your mind later and say “yes.” - The Child Frequently Hears the Words “I Hate” at Home
These words might not be directed at each other or in heated arguments—they might just be part of daily speech about trivial things, like food or routines: “I hate onions,” “I hate traffic jams,” “I hate it when you do that,” and so on.
How to proceed?
First, tell your child that “hate” is a very strong, serious word, usually spoken during strong emotions. Explain that it’s painful to hear such things from loved ones, and that you would never say this to them because you love them.
Secondly, try to remove the word “hate” from your own vocabulary. If that’s too hard to do immediately, start by replacing “hate” with more accurate descriptions of your feelings: “I don’t like the smell and look of boiled onions,” or “I’m starting to get annoyed about this traffic jam.”
Regardless of why your child says, “I hate you,” the most important thing is to show them you are on their side. A simple, loving response like “Well, but I love you” can help defuse the moment. Afterward, once everyone has calmed down, try to understand what’s behind the behavior—and then, patiently, work towards positive changes for both you and your child.