6 Main Causes of Parent-Child Conflicts
One of the greatest fears among parents is making mistakes in raising their children. This fear is especially evident during conflicts. In such moments, parents feel a mix of shame over their child’s behavior, guilt for not instilling social norms early enough, and anxiety about their child’s future independence. However, the ability to understand the reasons behind conflicts, handle them appropriately, and resolve them is a crucial skill that your child can learn from you—if you first take the time to understand them yourself. Let’s analyze the main causes of parent-child conflicts.- Unwillingness to Listen. For example, a teenager wants a tattoo, seeing it as art and a meaningful form of self-expression. However, their conservative parents view tattoos as a sign of negative influence. The topic now always leads to heated arguments and shouting matches, with both sides unwilling to listen to each other. The main responsibility for the tension falls on the parents, who are not considering the issue from their growing child's perspective. This makes negotiation much more difficult.
How to proceed? First, de-escalate the conflict and avoid shouting.
Then, calmly ask a few questions. Your teenager may reconsider their desires, especially if they reflect on whether this wish comes from themselves or is copied from others. How will their life change at school, with teachers, peers, grandparents, and in daily interactions? Would a temporary tattoo be a suitable compromise? As a last resort, you can set boundaries—such as agreeing that any body modifications can only be made at legal age.
A reluctance to listen can also appear when parents impose hobbies and interests.
For example, a child wants to dance, but his father insists he should learn self-defense and signs him up for martial arts. Or a child who enjoys drawing is sent to music school because it’s a family tradition.
Initially, parents might succeed in distracting children from their actual desires, but as children grow, this can lead to vague dissatisfaction and possible rebellion, resistance, or aggression toward parents. - Mocking or Disrespecting the Child. Some families have a culture of sarcasm and teasing, but while adults may handle jokes well, children often take them literally. For example, kids aged 4-5 may get hurt by teasing nicknames but may not say so openly.
Nicknames like “our clumsy little bear” or “how’s my little pumpkin?” can irritate children, especially if they've asked not to be called those names and adults dismiss their request as harmless. At elementary school age, kids often ask their parents not to use sweet words in front of others, as being called “my sweet baby,” “kitten,” or “bunny” makes them uncomfortable. Children want to seem more mature.
How to proceed? Respect your child’s wish to be treated as more grown-up.
Teens often experiment with appearance and interests. If parents tease their style, taste in music, or creative efforts, it won’t bring them closer. In fact, self-conscious teenagers may become withdrawn, hiding their thoughts and passions from parents.
How to proceed? Praise your child for initiatives aimed at becoming independent—such as earning money, participating in creative pursuits, or leading a healthy lifestyle—even if their actions seem strange to you. Knowing you believe in their success will help them through the challenges of growing up. - Excessive Control and Overprotection. These behaviors increase children’s anxiety and strongly undermine their self-esteem.
How to proceed? Gradually reduce parental control as your child grows.
For example, by age four, let your child pick their own clothes for walking outside. At six or seven, allow them to dress themselves independently. At elementary school age, let children choose how they spend their free time—whether it's going to the park, visiting the pool with friends, or seeing their grandparents.
Teens need even more freedom. Allow flexibility in appearance and musical preferences. When there’s trust, teens will share their emotions and doubts with you. Avoid saying things like, “You’re just a child, you wouldn’t understand,” or “Parents know better,” as these suggest you don't trust or believe in your child’s ability to exist independently. Overcoming feelings of helplessness often requires outside help later in life.
Ideally, parents should gently guide children toward the right choices or show them there are options. Sometimes, it's important to let children make mistakes, get their feet wet, or receive a low grade so they learn to make decisions for themselves. - Lack of Attention. Children of all ages need attention, support, and parental warmth. If these needs are not met, children will seek attention in other ways. Younger children may become upset, throw tantrums, or fall ill more frequently. Older children may rebel, act out, and test their parents’ patience. Parents are not always sure how best to show they care.
How to proceed?
Advice:
To determine whether your child receives enough emotional warmth from you, and to learn which of your actions truly convey care, take our Parenting Mentor Test. You’ll receive specific tips to help you invest your energy and time in strengthening your relationship with your child. - Adults’ Accumulated Problems (at Home or Work). Difficult periods at work or home, or simple fatigue, drain parents' emotional resources. This makes it harder to stay patient and avoid shouting at your child, and makes it difficult to notice what your child truly needs.
How to proceed? Find the strength to shift focus—comfortably set aside 30-40 minutes daily for sincere play and connection with your child. This will improve your relationship and help restore your emotional wellbeing. Play and communication with your child can relieve much of life’s stress. - General Disharmony in the Family. When there are conflicts or disagreements between parents, children often learn to use conflict as a way to interact.
If parents argue loudly about childrearing in front of the child, the result is always negative. The child loses respect for adult authority, sees the world as unsafe, and lacks clear boundaries or guidelines. In such families, children often suffer from anxiety or become adept at manipulating adults through conflicts that the adults may not even recognize.
How to proceed? Change the family’s style of communication and your approach to raising your child.