Appropriate Punishments for Preschoolers, Middle School Children, and Teens
A child whose parents slap them for the smallest mistake, threaten to send them to an orphanage, force them to stand in a corner for hours, or ignore them is destined for an unhappy childhood. Such a child will almost certainly suffer from low self-esteem, mistrust, and feel unloved and like an outsider. In reality, these forms of punishment have nothing to do with proper upbringing. This is simply cruelty. The opposite extreme—complete permissiveness—is no better. If a child believes they can do anything without consequences, they won't learn the difference between right and wrong, or between their own pleasure and someone else's pain. Surprisingly, such children can also feel unwanted and unloved by their parents.Advice:
It is unrealistic to raise a well-rounded person without ever disciplining a child. Psychologists state that punishment is sometimes a necessary part of education. But how do you punish correctly? Take our unique Parenting Mentor Test. By answering the questions, you'll discover how to be an effective parent and how to respond appropriately to your child’s behavior.
Important! Your response as a parent should be proportional to the child’s misbehavior and age.
How to Discipline a Child Without Harming Their Psyche: Key Rules
Discipline is sometimes necessary—it can help children understand boundaries, maintain parental authority, and teach responsibility. The real question is what should warrant punishment, how to administer it, and how to let the child know you still love them.
The goal of punishment is to help the child understand their actions and, ideally, prevent them from repeating mistakes in the future. Regardless of the child’s age, several rules should be followed to ensure that punishment is effective in this way.
- Stay Calm
When disciplining your son or daughter, don’t let your emotions take over. This rule can be hard to follow. Techniques like "count to ten" or "step out of the room to calm down" really work. Manage your feelings first, then take action. - Make Sure the Child Understands Why They Are Punished
Children must clearly understand exactly why they are being punished. Remember: Do not punish children for their feelings (such as being upset or angry) because everyone has a right to feel emotions. What matters is how we express those feelings. For example, if a child throws a plate in anger, you can say, "I see you were upset, but breaking things is not allowed in our family." Don’t try to suppress children's tears at all costs—crying is a natural way to release emotions and stress. Children need to know the specific reason for a punishment. Phrases like "you should know" are not acceptable. - Set Clear Time Limits
Children need to know how long a punishment will last. Saying "you’ll never get sweets again" is unacceptable! The child might believe it’s a lifelong ban, which is harsh and unrealistic. If you later forget and offer them a treat, you undermine your authority. Punishments should have clear time frames such as, "I will not give you pocket money for a week." - Discipline Privately
It is best to discipline a child when you’re alone together. This protects their self-esteem. If you punish one child in front of another, both can suffer. In conflicts, do not insult a teenager—this is particularly important. Attacking their character or ridiculing them is harmful. The older the child, the more deeply they may feel hurt. - Limit Frequency of Punishment
Try to keep punishments to a minimum. Don’t repeatedly bring up past "sins." Punish only for specific misdeeds, and avoid being excessively strict, as this can create dependency, lack of independence, and poor decision-making skills. In adolescence, harsh punishment can trigger rebellion. Increased punishments make it harder to build trust. An obedient child guided only by fear is not psychologically healthy. Excessive severity leads to dishonesty and fear, making lying seem necessary to avoid punishment. - Should You Use Physical Punishment?
Everyone fears pain, though not everyone admits it. Physical punishment, especially harsh punishment, can control behavior, but it’s not true education—it’s training. Although caregivers may temporarily stop unwanted behavior through physical punishment, psychologists have shown it harms the child’s personality development.
Regular use of corporal punishment can break a child’s will, make them submissive and crafty, and prevent them from forming their own independent views or making decisions. Parents must know that in many civilized countries, all forms of emotional and physical mistreatment are criminal offenses. Child welfare officials may intervene—consequences can include restricted or lost parental rights to protect the child’s welfare.
Now, let’s discuss which disciplinary methods are acceptable and even necessary:
- Write About the Misdeed
If a child misbehaves, ask them to write several times on paper: "I will be honest, kind …" This exercise is valuable because it helps ingrain the lesson. - Have Honest, Difficult Conversations
Parents should have frequent, serious discussions with children, especially in elementary and middle school, explaining why it’s wrong to insult, envy, steal, or cheat. At this age, children form vital values. Explain that all societies have rules and laws, and breaking them leads to consequences, sometimes even exclusion (such as being expelled or imprisoned). Teens, in particular, can believe adults are above rules—help them realize every group (family, work, school, friendships) operates within rules, and breaking them always has consequences. Parents should encourage teens to help establish rules for the family. Ultimately, parents should highlight the importance of choosing responsible behavior and, together with their child, draft a “Family Code of Rules.” - Create a Family Code of Rules
Parents and children should jointly draft an agreement, based on a simplified version of a standard contract: General provisions (describing the agreement’s parties and purpose, e.g., the “Code of Family Rights and Responsibilities”); Duties of each party (a general section for all family members—e.g., “We don’t lie in our family”—and separate sections for parents and children, reflecting the family’s values).
No more than 10 rules should be listed in total, both for the household and separately for parents and children. Let the child propose some rules for the parents and vice versa. Sometimes, certain suggestions will be unacceptable, but after discussion, only mutually agreed-upon rules are included in the agreement.
Body of Agreement: Assign Sensible Consequences
Responsibilities are the core of the agreement, guiding behavior with clear consequences for rule-breaking—both for children and parents.
Parents should consider their child’s interests and personality when deciding on “penalties,” to ensure the Family Code is respected and effective. The punishment must be meaningful to the specific child. For example, if your child dislikes reading, a consequence might be reading a set amount as a penalty.
The agreement takes effect after both parties sign—it’s a key part of making this adult “game” serious!
Signing This Agreement Allows:
- Satisfying the adolescent’s need for equality—parents acknowledge them as more grown-up.
- Providing a clear system of punishments. Children, after a misdeed, often hide it out of fear because they don’t know what the punishment will be. If the same misdeed sometimes receives a scolding and other times severe punishment, it creates anxiety. In this system, children always know in advance what to expect if a rule is broken.
- Reducing negative reactions to punishment and feelings of "I am bad."
In any situation, a child needs to feel that they are treated fairly, are still loved, and even when punished, will never lose parental love.