Discipline Without Yelling: How Can You Make Your Toddler Listen?
Which parent wouldn't want an obedient child? But what lies behind a child's obedience plays a crucial role in shaping their personality.Unquestioning obedience often stems from intimidation and the suppression of a child's will. This is one of the negative consequences of certain parenting strategies. The parent may get the desired result temporarily, but this can lead to helplessness in the child, difficulty making decisions independently, and possibly low self-esteem.
Also, suppressing a toddler's will between the ages of 1 and 5 can lead to difficulties in your relationship with them as they grow older. If you frequently raise your voice during these early years, you might face disobedience or behavioral challenges once they reach school age or adolescence.How can you avoid this?
- When correcting or criticizing your child, avoid using hurtful labels. Focus on discussing their actions and expressing your feelings.
So, instead of saying, “What a messy child you are! You got everything dirty again,” say, “You’ve muddied your pants! I don’t like that.”
Not “You’re stupid! How many times do I have to tell you? Why are you like this?”, but rather, “I am very upset about your behavior. This isn’t a good thing to do.” - Never scare your child. Don’t threaten them with stories about policemen, strangers who will take them away, or say you’ll leave them or stop loving them because they didn’t listen. A frightened child becomes anxious, may have temper tantrums, and can suffer from nightmares that are hard to overcome. An anxious child also requires special attention and extra patience from adults.
There is another approach:
Conscious obedience. This approach is based on mutual respect between parents and children. Conscious obedience fosters a sense of autonomy as part of your child’s developing personality.
How can you achieve this? - Use Praise and Foster Positive Motivation!
Praise your child whenever they follow your requests, even for small things. Praise should be timely at this age. Additionally, the way you give praise matters and can motivate your child in different ways.
Psychologists generally recognize several types of positive motivation:
Praise your child whenever they follow your requests, even for small things. Praise should be timely at this age. Additionally, the way you give praise matters and can motivate your child in different ways.
Psychologists generally recognize several types of positive motivation:
- Motivation by outcome
A child may cooperate if there’s a reward at the end. This is the first type of motivation to appear, and many parents use it, “buying” obedience with sweets or toys—like, “If you behave, you’ll get a chocolate bar.” This, however, is not the best approach.
Instead, when guiding your child, use motivation focused on positive outcomes.
“You put away all the toys! Now we have space to run and play together.” And then, playfully run around with your child. Or, after toothbrushing, say, “Look how clean and shiny your teeth are!” - Motivation by achievement
This is a little more complex. The desire for success and reaching goals drives the child. Praise them not only for what they accomplish, but also for their effort and attempts. For example, “You arranged your clothes so carefully! You’re doing better and better.”
Advice:
If you want the best approach for your child, take our psychological Parenting Mentor Test. After analyzing your answers, our specialists will provide you with a detailed understanding of your relationship with your child, along with tips to help foster better communication.
- Motivation by being helpful
In this case, it might look like the child is just following instructions. But if intimidation or suppression is not present, the child follows directions out of trust and respect for loved ones. Creating an atmosphere of acceptance and open dialogue between adults and children is key. The child wants to please family members and enjoys caring for them.
This can be achieved, firstly, by establishing family traditions of caring for each other, both older and younger family members.
Secondly, by expressing gratitude and encouragement when your child wants to do something nice for you. For example, if your five-year-old tries to wash the dishes (even if it’s messy), you can either focus on the mess or choose to smile, hug, and thank them for helping. The latter encourages the desire to be helpful and motivates them to contribute in the future. Later, when you ask, “I’d really appreciate it if you got dressed by yourself while I pack our bag, so we can go for a walk together,” you build a cycle of positive reinforcement.