How to Control Fake Crying in Kids
IS IT OR IS IT NOT?Many parents worry about how to determine if their child is actually crying due to overwhelming experiences (internal or external) or is faking tears to gain some advantage.
A child pretending to cry can display a range of behaviors: a pressured, heartrending wail; prolonged nagging cries aiming to wear parents down; or even hysterical outbursts, sometimes leading to self-harm.
Most of the time, fake tears differ from genuine distress. In such cases, you may hear impatience or anger in the crying, because the child cares more about the parents' reaction and becomes upset when it is slow in coming.
It's also possible that honest crying—such as from pain—can turn into manipulative crying if the child hasn't received proper support for their genuine request.
WHY?
Some children are naturally inclined to manipulate. They may become observant and skilled communicators in the future.
However, most often children learn to manipulate because of shortcomings in their upbringing. When these are corrected, incidents of manipulative behavior decrease significantly.
Often, children whose parents fail to balance strictness and leniency will use crying as a tool for manipulation.
- Parents are too strict with the child. The child knows that nearly everything they want is forbidden. As a result, they resort to extreme tactics like tantrums and crying to get their way.
- Parents show weakness in parenting, encouraging the child’s manipulative tendencies. If "parent-child" roles are not well established, the child may try to exercise power over adults, turning to fake tears and unreasonable demands.
Advice:
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WHAT TO DO?
- "Wild day" tradition. Start a new tradition: once or twice a week, the whole family shouts, runs around, and rolls on the floor—loudly and without restraint! Let the kids have wholehearted fun. This releases tension built up from daily "no shouting" rules. If your child craves shouting for play, these passionate feelings can be released in a positive way.
- Don't scold manipulation. If you notice your child trying to manipulate you by crying, don’t shame them immediately. While you may feel annoyed at being manipulated, treat this trait as an unwelcome but adjustable part of your child's character. In these moments, see the child, not just the behavior. Remember that you love them and, as a parent, have the tools to help them overcome this habit—calmly and thoughtfully, with a clear strategy.
- Give permission to cry. This method works well with children just beginning to use crying as manipulation (typically from 8-9 months to 2.5 years). For older children (3 years and up) who have perfected manipulative crying, this approach is less effective. The idea is to calmly let your child cry or yell.
Tell your child: "Alright dear, if you want to scream—go ahead! When you're done, we'll pick up our toys and calmly leave the playground." By remaining emotionally neutral and not reacting to the crying, you remove its power in manipulative games. - Teach your child to use words to negotiate. It's crucial for a manipulative child to learn how to express needs and desires using words, calmly communicating that requests are the quickest and easiest way to achieve goals.
Your child needs to trust you. Show interest in their needs. If your child wants a new toy, ask them to calm down and explain what makes it special, how they’ll use it, and why they want it. During these talks, you may learn they want the toy because a friend has it or it’s popular among peers.
Perhaps your child is a big fan of a character, or maybe they’re not sure how they’d even use the toy. Such questions help your child better understand their true desires, and show your interest in their life. After a few clarifying questions, explain why you can’t buy the toy now and when you might be able to. Emphasize that calm conversation makes wishes easier to fulfill—now or as a holiday gift.