How to Deal When Your Teenage Daughter or Son Lies to You
Not many parents can claim that their child’s adolescence was a breeze. What should you do if your teenager is being deceitful? To avoid common adolescent problems, parents need to carefully understand the psychological characteristics of their child during this challenging period and learn how to interpret their son or daughter’s moods and desires. Trust between a teenager and their parents is crucial. It often happens that parents notice their child lying more frequently for various reasons—especially during adolescence.Advice:
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The first step in dealing with the problem is to determine why your teenager is lying:
- Lying to Avoid Punishment
Often, children try to conceal things that could get them into trouble. Lying to parents often stems from a desire to avoid punishment. Usually, these lies are related to behaviors that might warrant consequences, such as issues regarding drugs, sex, or similar topics. However, most commonly, children lie about school-related matters.
All children need to attend school, and their future depends on their performance, so it’s natural for parents to seek accurate information about this. School life often creates reasons for children to lie, especially as parents may not always stay in close contact with teachers and cannot verify every detail.
Some experienced psychologists also observe that parents sometimes unintentionally encourage their teenagers to lie. For instance, repeatedly asking questions in a mocking or negative tone about various events or actions can motivate kids to be dishonest—often unconsciously. Consider making punishments less severe so your teenager doesn’t take them as a personal insult. Rather than harsh measures like banning the internet, try assigning practical tasks, like cleaning their room. Once punishments feel fair and manageable, your child will have less incentive to lie. - Parental Authority
Most teenagers still respect their parents even during these turbulent years. They are aware of their parents’ sensitivities, and in order not to disappoint them, teenagers may choose to withhold information, remain silent, or sugarcoat the truth. In this way, teens are trying to protect their parents from unnecessary worry. - Fear of Failure
While some teens lie only to their parents, fear of failure can trigger a broader pattern of dishonesty—including lying to teachers and peers. Trying to avoid embarrassment or ridicule, a student may lie about not having learned a lesson or exaggerate academic achievements to parents.
In these cases, you may need a psychologist’s advice. While some types of teenage lying may disappear with maturity, fear-based dishonesty can persist, causing anxiety and low self-expression even in adulthood. - Awkward Topics
Teenagers may also lie to preserve personal freedom. There are certain matters they want to keep private, whether they are embarrassed, ashamed, afraid, or simply feel their parents don’t need to know. Most teens hesitate to discuss relationships with the opposite sex, often resulting in lying or withholding information.
If communication has not been established with your teen, they may not feel able to open up honestly. This can be driven by frequent criticism or a lack of understanding from parents. Overreacting to situations can make your child even more hesitant to share openly. - Independence and Self-Sufficiency
Adolescents are highly influenced by their peers and sometimes see peer approval as more important than parental opinions. At the same time, they may struggle to meet the expectations of both parents and friends, as they still haven’t learned to apply similar standards to themselves.
To protect their independence and private space, teenagers might lie to keep parents at a distance. If your child pursues interests or hobbies you don’t approve of, they may resort to deception to avoid confrontation.
However, it is very important to be alert in case your teenager is drawn into harmful or exploitative groups. Try to understand the root cause of your child’s sudden changes in behavior. If they're not used to open conversations, observe their life and relationships carefully, then decide how best to proceed based on what you find.
So, you’re ready to discuss honesty with your teen but aren’t sure how to approach it. Here are some effective tips to help you avoid common parental mistakes:
- Don’t start the conversation with threats or accusations. If your teenager’s behavior angers you, calm down first before talking.
- Explain what’s happening around them, your own actions, and those of others. This helps your teen develop their individuality. If you make a promise and can’t fulfill it, apologize and explain why.
- Only offer advice if your child asks for it. Teens typically aren’t receptive to unsolicited advice. Instead, ask open-ended questions: What do they think? How do they want to solve the situation? Were there other options? Encourage them to find their own solutions.
- Avoid long lectures, excessive punishments, or other harsh measures. Instead, assure your child that they are not alone—that mom and dad understand and are always ready to help. Let them know that everyone faces difficulties in life, but these experiences won’t make them less happy or interesting. Help your child channel their energy productively. Sometimes, teens lie simply out of boredom and a desire to liven up their lives. For instance, say: "I won’t punish you if you tell me the truth."
When you know your child broke curfew, instead of asking, “When did you come home last night?” try saying, “I noticed you came home late yesterday. What made you do that?” Or gently ask, “It seemed like you came home late yesterday. If so, no excuses are necessary. Lying is much worse than staying out late. You know there are good reasons for your routine—I’d like to hear why you broke it.”
Try to show a sense of humor about situations. This can help your teenager find solutions without resorting to lies. While parents sometimes keep things private from their teens, kids—no matter their age—deserve a certain level of privacy as well. The more interest you show in every detail of your teen’s life, the more likely they are to hide things from you.
Spending quality time together, having open conversations, and planning for the future are great ways to encourage honesty and build trust between teenagers and parents. In such an environment, navigating adolescence will be easier for both children and their parents.