How to handle unprovoked aggression in toddlers
Aggressive behavior is an outward and social expression of anger. Aggressiveness is not inherent to everyone, but both adults and children have experienced anger at some point. It's common; the real question is how to handle it.Even very young children develop an inner inhibition against anger: either their anger was criticized and condemned verbally, or the adults' reactions to the child's anger were overwhelming. When children don't understand their feelings or can't express them, they internalize their anger, which results in mental and physical stress. It's no secret that, during an episode of anger, certain facial and body muscles tense up, which can negatively affect the child's well-being if the anger isn't adequately released. As a result, mental tension can spill over into irrational outbursts of aggression, often triggered by something trivial, such as a dropped pencil or the temperature of porridge.
- Find the cause
Sudden outbursts of anger always have an underlying cause. If you can't find it, it's simply not obvious yet. Understanding the cause is key to resolving such outbursts. It might be parental divorce, family conflict, problems at school or kindergarten, or a recent move. Once you pinpoint and discuss the cause with your child, letting them express their emotions openly, the tension will lessen and aggressive episodes will become less frequent. - Emphasize your child's importance, feelings, and interests
Sudden outbursts of anger are often due to previously repressed emotions. This means the child can't express negative feelings. Expressing emotions is essential to a healthy personality. Suppressing negative emotions makes the child feel less important in their own eyes ("Nobody cares about my desires"), which can drive them to express themselves through socially unacceptable behavior, such as sudden aggression. - Boost your child's self-esteem and highlight their value to you in every situation
Let your child know how happy you are to be their parent—whether they're kind, smart, funny, inquisitive, energetic, and so on. Emphasize their strengths; if they don't hear about them from their parents, who will tell them? Spend time with your child and ask about their preferences, even if you think you know the answer—for example, whether they like going down a slide, swinging, or running in the park. - Teach healthy expression of anger
If a child can express negative emotions openly and discuss them instead of suppressing them, it becomes much easier for both the child and their parents to cope. Parents won't be surprised by seemingly random aggression, but will better understand what their child is feeling. This makes it easier to help restore your toddler's peace of mind.
- Recognize anger
At first, the child should learn to identify what they feel: are they offended, upset, or angry? When you think your child is angry but doesn't show it, ask: "What are you feeling now? Are you angry? Are you upset?" If the child stays silent, you might say: "You seem like you're angry."
You can also discuss incidents later in the day, for example at bedtime. By talking about daytime events, the child will start to reflect on and identify their emotions. - Accept anger
This step is crucial: the child needs to understand and accept that "Sometimes people get angry—it's normal." Reassure your child that both adults and children feel this way sometimes; it's part of life.
Advice:
If you're unsure about your child's feelings, take our unique Parenting Mentor Test. It will help you assess the current situation and provide a detailed description—including your parenting strengths and areas to improve. You’ll also receive recommendations to adjust your parenting style so your child can express their feelings more comfortably. - Choose how to express anger
It's important to help children with suppressed anger find healthy outlets for their tension.
Physical activity. Encourage your child to move: running, jumping, playing ball, or other activities that allow energy release. For example, they can kick a ball forcefully or crumple up newspaper. This helps them channel anger in an acceptable way and relax their body.
Art therapy. Drawing or modeling with clay can help children express suppressed feelings. If a child has conflicts with someone—such as a sibling, classmate, or teacher—invite them to model that person's face with clay, talk about their feelings, alter the clay, or rebuild it. You might even call the clay figure by the person's name to help the child process their emotions.
Abstract or symbolic drawing can also reveal negative feelings. Ask your child to draw their anger, or to draw what they felt when they wanted to lash out. The process may take time, and the drawing might evolve over several sessions. Ask your child to explain each color or element. Through drawing or modeling, a child may suddenly realize the source of their anger, sometimes leading to tears—which can be very healing.
For example, 6-year-old Jane, who had suffered from an incident, drew her abuser in black during a session with her psychologist. She added more and more red and orange arrows to the figure before suddenly exclaiming, "I'm very angry at my mother." It turned out Jane was upset with her mother for not being there to protect her, but she hadn't said this because her mother was already very worried. Jane eventually told her mother, hugged her, and cried, which was a significant step—Jane hadn't cried since the incident, but had been acting out at home and in public, scratching cars or yanking bedding.
Reflecting on the day. Make it a habit to review the day's events with your child. When your child recounts the day, they'll mention the incidents that upset them or made them angry. Ask about these moments, but avoid giving judgments or advice at first—just listen. This gives the child permission to express negative feelings, which is vital to their emotional health.