How to Make Your Teenager Listen
Before we discuss how to encourage a teenager to listen, take a deep breath and be patient. Remember, we were teenagers once, and we weren’t perfect either. While we've experienced this stage, for them, it’s all new.Hormones and uneven development in parts of the brain related to social interaction, goal setting, and self-control can push teenagers to pursue anything promising pleasure. This creates intense emotions for your child. Alongside these physiological and hormonal changes, their psychological state transforms—their old worldview crumbles as a new one is built. Where your child once looked up to you with admiration, now he or she begins to evaluate your actions and appearance.
What’s happening? Your teenager is discovering their individuality and realizing that “Mom and Dad aren’t perfect and can make mistakes.” They become critical and question everything and everyone.
They need to separate from their parents to rebuild relationships with the family that respect their personality and uniqueness. As a parent, your job is not to despair or become disappointed in your child, but rather to help them become more independent and take responsibility for their actions, desires, and interests, as appropriate for their age.
Remember: they are YOUR child, but they are NOT YOU. Don’t expect them to follow your requests and orders without question. They may even reject things they previously shared with you. Now, your teenager is forming their own identity—exploring boundaries and developing their personal philosophy. During this period, they need you more than ever!
This is a fascinating time for you as well. As your child changes, so do you. If you want your son or daughter to hear and respect you, be prepared to work on yourself. Yes, you! The reward is a trusting and positive relationship with your children.
Advice:
Take our unique Parenting Mentor Test to find out what aspects of communication with your child need attention, the hidden conflicts between you, and ways to resolve them.
To help your child want to listen to and even follow your requests, try these steps:
Step 1. Be a Friend to Your Child
Communicate without lecturing. Show genuine interest, without judging or criticizing. It’s easy to push a teenager away: just a few critical comments about their clothes or forbidding them from seeing certain friends, and you'll likely create aggression or withdrawal. Suddenly, you might find yourself shut out from your child’s life. Many parents repeat this mistake—we’ll call it the “Instant Ban.”
- Example: Lizzie (13) invited her boyfriend home. Her mother Helen didn’t like him—he was older and smelled of cigarettes. After he left, Helen forbade Lizzie from seeing him. Hysterical tears and a first rebellion followed. The next day, Lizzie didn’t come home at night.
Step 2. Support Your Child’s Interests
Be aware of what fascinates your teenager. Sometimes it may seem like your teen isn’t interested in anything, but that’s likely not true. Maybe you simply don’t know what they enjoy or you don’t value their interests. Encourage them to share, but don’t impose. Support their independent choices.
A common mistake is trying to force your hobbies or unrealized dreams on your child (“I know best; I know what you should be!”). This prevents your child from developing and finding themselves.
- Example: Henry (14) loved competitive swimming and was successful, but missed school for practice. His mother made an ultimatum: improve in school or give up swimming. As a result, he quit swimming, but his grades didn’t improve; instead, he found new hobbies—friends, cigarettes, and beer.
Yelling is a sign of lost control. The louder you shout, the less your child hears you—it triggers a defensive reaction. Be calm and balanced. Your connection with your child is strong, and they can sense your uncertainty or aggression. Before talking, consider the message your words send.
Step 4. Treat Your Child as an Equal
Explain your requests—“Because I said so” isn’t enough at this age.
- Important! If your kids don’t want to do chores, discuss it. Create a family agreement with clear expectations, rewards, and consequences. Your children should understand that sharing a household requires compromise, mutual respect, and responsibility. They need clear boundaries to grow up well.
Allow them to be themselves, make decisions, and learn from experience. Be a caring—not controlling—parent. That means considering your child’s interests, needs, and wishes. Resisting the urge to control stems from your instincts to protect, but as your child grows, you must shift responsibility to them.
- Important! As your child matures, gradually pass responsibility for their decisions to them. Analyze which choices affect only their life and let them take charge. Make it clear you trust them with this responsibility.
- Example: Your son smokes and you’re against it. Realistically, you can’t force him to stop. Tell him he decides if he’ll smoke or not, but you don’t allow smoking in your presence or home.
A key teenage task is learning social skills. They can't only talk to their parents—they need peers. Welcome your child's friends, maybe offer snacks, and chat with them. This way, you’ll know who their friends are and what they’re interested in, alleviating worries about their whereabouts.
- Important! Studies show that teenagers deprived of social contact suffer pain similar to physical pain.
From ages 13-14 and up, communicate as you would with a friend. Before speaking, ask yourself if you’d say it to a friend. Respect their space and their way of organizing it. Knock before entering their room and refrain from criticizing messy rooms. After all, you wouldn’t comment about a friend's unmade bed or dirty cup during a visit.
Step 8. Stop Trying to "Make Them Obey"—Learn to Negotiate
Physical force or financial dependence are the least effective and most short-lived solutions. Like a compressed spring, the more you push, the stronger the backlash.
It’s natural for teenagers to resist restrictions—they seek independence and self-expression. They will strongly oppose excessive control, but your role is to accept, believe in, and respect them—even if you disagree with their choices. Let them know that no matter what, your home is a place where they’re respected, loved, and always welcome.
Remember: during adolescence, sometimes it’s best not to speak, not to control, and not to criticize.