How to Discipline a Child: Positive and Healthy Approaches to Discipline
If you decide to discipline your child, stop and check whether your method meets the following conditions:- The state of the parent. Do not discipline your child when you are angry, extremely tired, or irritated. Stress from work or a traffic jam can result in a response that far outweighs the child’s misbehavior. Yelling or using harsh words can frighten your child, negatively affect their self-esteem, and make them feel uneasy.
- The child must understand what you are disciplining them for. Children may not always know how to behave or understand your expectations. You should determine what kind of behavior you expect and, ideally, agree on this with the other parent and the rest of the family, including grandparents. Then, clearly explain to your child what is expected and why. Listen to their perspective. Discuss the consequences, i.e., what will happen if they disobey.
- Consistency in the family. All family members should share the same approach; otherwise, the child may learn to manipulate adults. Communicate with everyone involved to prevent situations where one family member punishes the child and another reverses the punishment. For example, if mom and dad forbid cartoons for three days but grandma, unaware of the ban, allows them when the parents are out, the child may learn to hide things or lie.
- Coherence. Once you have established and communicated clear boundaries and expectations, stick to them. If the same behavior is sometimes punished and sometimes ignored, it sends confusing messages to the child. If you are unsure whether you will follow through with a consequence, it’s better not to mention it. Inconsistency undermines your parental authority.
- One misdeed - one punishment. Do not punish your child twice for the same offense, even verbally. Once the child has received an appropriate consequence, completely forgive the misdeed—do not bring it up again or remind them of it in the future.
For example, if a child comes home late without prior notice after you had already discussed their curfew and consequences, and you deny Internet access for three days, stick to that punishment. Once it's over, don’t dwell on it, even if the topic comes up in conversation with friends or family. - No fear or shame. Never discipline your child in a way that causes fear or shame. Do not lock them in a dark room or scold them in front of their friends. Such actions can harm your relationship and make your child feel angry or anxious.
- Don’t use food deprivation or forced labor as punishment. To prevent unhealthy attitudes toward food, avoid linking discipline with eating—do not take away meals, dinners, or treats. Similarly, do not assign chores as punishment, or your child may become reluctant to help around the house in the future. Household tasks like washing dishes and cleaning should not be associated with discipline.
- Critique the behavior, not the child. No matter how serious the misbehavior, do not insult your child with harsh or thoughtless words. Focus on the action, not the person. For example, instead of calling your child a “thief,” say, "You took something without asking, which is serious and needs to be corrected." Never say things like “you are no longer my son/daughter.”
Advice:
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Discipline is not just about consequences.
Use positive methods as well to encourage the behavior you want.
- Less criticism. Children are not innately able to handle criticism. The ability to process constructive feedback develops over time and is influenced by how and how much criticism they receive in childhood. Keep criticism to a minimum, as it’s usually perceived negatively and can feel like a punishment. Too much criticism may lead children to stop trying altogether.
- Praise. Praise your child for all kinds of accomplishments, not just academic success, but also any completed tasks. This is especially important for building a positive relationship with a preschool-aged child. Praise them for responding to requests, brushing their teeth, putting on their socks, or simply coming to breakfast on time.
- Verbal reinforcement (“well done,” “good boy/girl,” “I am proud of you”).
- Eye contact. Come down to your child’s eye level and look at them warmly, even if they seem embarrassed and look away.
- Tactile contact, such as stroking or hugging.