How to Stop a Child from Lying and Stealing: Kleptomania in Kids
To effectively address lying and stealing in children, it's important to stay calm and understand the root cause. By eliminating the underlying reason for these behaviors, you not only help stop your child's "problematic" habits but also prevent other undesirable behaviors. The causes can vary—even be physiological. The approach to resolving these "bad" habits should be determined by the specific reasons behind them.For instance, if your child is experiencing kleptomania or "neurotic stealing," a neurologist, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist may need to be involved. However, clinical kleptomania is rare among children. In most cases, parents can and should handle this issue themselves.
First, make sure you are prepared to address the issue.
- Stay Calm
If you've encountered a single incident, there's often no need for alarm. Many children are tempted by "forbidden" behaviors at some point. However, it's important to pay attention to what happened, the reasons behind it, and your reaction. Your response can determine whether lying or stealing reoccurs. If you feel overwhelmed or upset, take time to regain your composure by going to the gym, taking a walk, or riding a bike in nature. - Avoid Labels
Do not rush to label your child as a "thief". Your child's future is shaped by your words and reactions, so avoid negative programming. Repeated accusations can make things worse and push your child to continue lying or stealing. - Don't Ignore the Issue
Once you've calmed down, you may be tempted to move on and hope the problem resolves itself. However, it's important to address the situation and not leave things unchanged.
Something prompted your child's actions; your job is to understand the seriousness of the cause and whether there’s a risk of repetition. - Talk and Listen to Your Child
If your child can't immediately explain why he or she acted this way, ask what happened to the item or money or what he/she gained from the lie. This can offer insight into the motivation. For instance, your child may have lied to protect a classmate, or stolen money to buy sweets for friends—possibly in a bid for belonging or leadership. This could indicate a need for better social connections.
If your child didn't benefit from what was stolen, the motivation is likely not material. It may be an act of revenge or a way to gain attention from parents.
When children use stolen items or money on themselves, it may be time to discuss pocket money and teach basic budgeting. Helping them earn their own money can boost their confidence and self-esteem. - Explain Why the Behavior Is Wrong
Whatever the reason, if you are certain your child stole or lied, address the behavior—not the child's character. Instead of calling them names ("scoundrel," "thief," "unreliable"), focus on the deed and your feelings ("Taking someone else's things without permission is wrong, and it upsets me," "I'm sorry this happened. Stealing is not how we act in our family"). - Encourage Making Amends
The best consequence is to correct the mistake. If it’s hard for your child to fix things alone, offer your support. Suggest apologizing and asking the affected person how to make up for the loss. Stay with your child if he or she feels ashamed or unable to manage alone. - Don’t Dwell on the Incident—Praise Progress
“ You wanted to take this toy but stopped yourself. I’m proud of you because taking things that aren’t yours is wrong. Let’s ask if you can borrow it.” Praise such decisions: your support will reinforce positive behavior.
Advice:
To learn how to support your child according to their temperament, take our unique Parenting Mentor Test. Based on your answers, you’ll discover how your child perceives your parenting style and what approaches work best. - Model Respectful Behavior
Notice your own attitude toward your child and their belongings. For instance, do you ask before taking your child's toys or art supplies? Do you give away their clothes or toys without asking? Pay attention to your response if your child objects to your involvement in their play or personal space. Your example teaches natural respect for other people’s belongings. - Avoid Tempting Your Child with Easy Access to Money
If your child has repeatedly taken money, keep money out of sight and avoid leaving wallets in visible places. Do this quietly, without making comments. Simply decide to store money differently. - Tailor Your Approach to the Cause
Some rarer causes of lying and stealing exist.
If your child repeatedly steals from the same peer—particularly one who is popular or socially skilled—this may be an attempt to gain those qualities or connections. In such cases, along with explaining that stealing is wrong, help your child develop social skills and improve self-esteem and peer relationships.
If your child is generally happy yet begins to steal, he or she may be seeking excitement or novelty. For some children, especially those who enjoy risks, stealing can become a way to experience a thrill as routine sets in.