How to Tackle Aggressive Behavior in 3, 4, 5-Year-Old Boys and Girls
The display of aggression in a child is a normal part of growing up. Through this, they show displeasure, resentment, jealousy, and a desire to be noticed. At this young age, children can't clearly explain what they're feeling or why they're upset.So, tiny fists and sharp teeth might come into play. Your child may throw a tantrum and scatter toys, or start taking toys from other kids. You shouldn’t be afraid—quite the opposite. If your child shows no aggression at all, that can be cause for attention, since this is how they explore the world, test others’ reactions, compete with peers, and try to get their way.
However, you shouldn’t indulge it either. As parents, your task is to understand your child, notice what triggers these reactions, and, most importantly, to stay calm and show unconditional love, no matter how challenging your child’s behavior may seem. It's easy to become angry yourself. But if you respond to aggression with more aggression, you only reinforce this behavior in your child.
Important! Be concerned about your child’s emotional development if their aggression is unprovoked and persistent.
To help your child overcome angry outbursts, let’s look at possible causes:
Reason No. 1. Psychologists observe that a child's aggression toward parents often stems from the parents' reluctance to adjust their behavior according to the child's developmental stage. The most intense outbursts happen during crisis periods: at ages 1, 3-4, and 5. Around one year old, your child starts to express likes and dislikes—they want to communicate their desires for the first time. Often, crying, screaming, or even biting, pinching, or hitting is their only way to get attention. Parents need to recognize that their little one has their own wishes and preferences but cannot yet express them in words you understand.
Recommendation!
Don’t shout or retaliate physically. Remember, your child learns from your example. If your child tries to hit you, gently hold their hands and calmly say, "Sweetheart, that hurts Mama. We use gentle hands. Let’s stroke Mama instead, not hit." Demonstrate by stroking your own face with their hand. Hug them. The best way to address aggression is with calmness and love, both towards your child and your family. Your child will mimic behaviors seen from parents, grandparents, and siblings.
Reason No. 2. When you're busy and your child is bored, they may act out to get your attention. He might do things you usually forbid, cry, or come over to bite or pinch you—anything to provoke a reaction. So even if you're busy, take 2-3 minutes to hug and kiss your child. Give them some affection now, or you'll spend time later dealing with misbehavior. Your child will learn that acting out gets attention and may continue to misbehave to be noticed.
Reason No. 3. This could mirror family behavior. If physical punishment is common, your child may act similarly with other kids. At the playground, they might hit another child who doesn’t listen. If there’s violence between parents at home, your child will inevitably imitate it.
Reason No. 4. The desire for attention. A child seeking attention may take a toy from another child or have a tantrum at a store.
Reason No. 5. Manifestations of frustration or anger from being misunderstood. Children often can't speak well yet, so they use sounds and gestures. For example, your child may want something on a shelf, but when you offer something else, they lose patience, get angry, and act out. Think about how you would feel in their place.
Reason No. 6. Jealousy and envy. "See how nicely Lizzie drew her flower? You should do it like that." Instead of motivating your child, this may lead them to rip up the picture or hit Lizzie. Avoid comparing your child to others.
Reason No. 7. Self-protection. If your child has learned that the world is harsh—due to domestic violence, frequent punishment, or aggression from peers—they may become defensive and attack first, fearing they'll be hurt.
Reason No. 8. Physical or psychological issues, or exhaustion, can also fuel aggressive behavior.
Advice:
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Children reach a peak of stubbornness and disobedience at age two, while aggression is most common at ages 3–4. At this stage, your child understands a lot and can say many things, but still struggles to fully comprehend or explain their emotions. Jealousy and a desire for attention may be expressed as outbursts of anger—shouting, hitting, pushing—yet children can’t define these feelings.
Recommendation! It’s crucial for parents to explain what’s happening to their child from the earliest signs of naughtiness or aggression. The golden rule: the more demanding and hysterical your child, the calmer you must be. The younger the child, the more patience and love they need during these tough moments.
Example: If you need to leave the playground but your child refuses, shouts, and pushes you away, respond firmly but kindly: “Sweetie, I know you’re upset [recognizing their feelings] because you want to keep playing, but we have to go. I love you very much and don’t want to upset you. If you don’t listen, we won't come here tomorrow.” You may need to gently take your child by the hand, but do not pull or forcefully carry them. The key is to stay calm and speak firmly without raising your voice. Children need more time and effort than adults to calm down because their nervous systems are still developing. They're still learning to recognize and manage emotions.
By age five, children can better express their wants and feelings. Conflicts and aggression arise more with peers, often due to a desire to lead or be the center of attention. At this age, boys and girls often express aggression differently: boys may push or hit, while girls may use words—teasing, name-calling, or taunting.
Recommendation! Don’t intimidate or try to out-shout your child. Don’t use threatening body language or gestures. Remember, a child’s aggression often stems from vulnerability and insecurity.
Important! Don’t ban your child from expressing emotions at home. Help them identify and understand what they’re feeling, and show how to safely cope with anger. Some parents forbid crying or yelling when a child is frustrated, angry, or in pain. Suppressing emotions can lead to self-directed aggression: biting, hitting, or pulling out hair. If you see this happening, speak to a professional.
Beyond these approaches, games can play a special role. Games not only bring joy—they can turn aggression into positive energy and creativity. They help children see problems from new angles, build confidence, communication skills, and self-esteem. Smile at your child while playing, and praise them: “Clever kid,” “What a kind child,” “You did great! We’re having so much fun together!” Even strange answers are good and deserve encouragement. There’s no right or wrong in these games—anything unique is wonderful!
Recommended Games and Methods for Helping a Child Overcome Aggression!
- “Pillow of Anger” or “Angry Pillow.” Suggest that your child hit a pillow or punching bag when upset. This lets them release anger safely.
- Let your child draw their “anger or aggression” and then tear up the drawing.
- Use fairy tale therapy. When signs of aggression appear or at bedtime, make up a story together where your child is the main character. Use magazine pictures if desired. In these tales, your child can act nobly. You can also reimagine misbehavior in the story with positive actions.
- Game “Yes-No.” Use this to help beat sadness or apathy. With a bell, pick who will say “yes” and “no.” Start very quietly, gradually increasing volume, and stop when it gets too loud by ringing the bell. Enjoy a moment of silence and swap roles.
- The game “Blots” helps overcome fear and aggression. Take paper and paints, make a splash, fold the paper, and ask your child what the blot looks like. Children with more aggression prefer dark colors and scary shapes. Parents should make cheerful blots and associate them with positive things, like flowers or rainbows.
- The game “Repeat After Me” relieves stress and aggression. Tap rhythms with a stick, pencil, or your palms, and have your child repeat. Switch roles and gradually make rhythms more complex. Guess which song the rhythm is from for extra fun.
- To distract from aggression, play “What kind of toy is it?” Take turns acting out and guessing different toys. For children aged 5–7, make riddles about the toys. Correct guesses remove that toy from play, then switch turns.
- The game “Chop Some Wood, Baby!” Invite your child to pretend they are chopping wood with a big axe. By swinging their arms, they physically and emotionally release anger.