How to Talk to Your Kids So They Will Listen: 7 Rules, 7 Mistakes
No matter how adorable and angelic your child may be, sooner or later you, like millions of other parents, will face the same question: “How can I communicate with my child so they listen and cooperate?” There are a few fundamental rules that, when followed, will make life much easier for both you and your child—especially if your child is under five years old.- Rule Number 1. Don’t forbid—redirect instead. For example, if your child is tearing pieces of wallpaper, it’s usually ineffective to simply tell them not to, or to raise your voice. If you fail to distract your little one, that’s your mistake. But this doesn’t mean that the child should be allowed to do anything, especially if what they’re doing is dangerous. Instead, use a gentle tone, say something like “tut tut”, gesture with your finger, and redirect their attention from the unwanted behavior.
Mistake! Many parents scold their children for being interested in potentially dangerous objects instead of reducing access to hazards (use socket covers, edge and corner guards, and safely store anything that could harm or tempt a child). They also blame children for damaging valuable items that shouldn’t have been left within their reach. - Rule Number 2. Choose the right moment to speak to your child. Children are often deeply focused on what they’re doing, whether playing or watching cartoons. If you don’t get your child’s attention first, they simply won't hear your request. Before addressing your child, make sure they see and hear you. Make eye contact by quietly calling their name or using a whisper and a mysterious look. Wait until they look at you. You might also sit beside them or gently hold their hand.
Mistake! If your child is tired, upset, hurt, or in a bad mood, it is not the right time for learning. First, calm both your child and yourself, then talk. - Rule Number 3. Don’t give too many requests at once. Children under five cannot process instructions with several tasks at once. To help your child understand, break down your requests into simple steps.
Mistake! Parents often say too much. Children become tense if overwhelmed by talk. It’s proven that children need more time to process information than adults. Be concise, and pause between requests.
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- Rule Number 4. Be consistent. What is forbidden today should not be allowed tomorrow. For example, if you tell your child “Tut tut tut! Daddy’s phone is not a toy,” but allow them to play with it later, then forbid it again afterward, don’t be surprised if your child starts ignoring your rules. Inconsistency undermines your authority and the value of your words.
Mistake! A common problem is when family members send mixed messages—one person allows something, another forbids it. This confusion leads to disobedience. Agree on family rules together and make sure everyone is consistent in enforcing them. - Rule Number 5. Speak calmly—never shout. Never yell at your child. Yelling is emotionally damaging. Your child depends on you emotionally, and anger or shouting makes you seem threatening. Shouting makes your child fear you rather than trust you. Remember, you want your child to be happy around you—not flinch when you walk in the room!
Mistake! Never use physical punishment, insults, or humiliation. Remember, your child is little but is already an individual. Childhood trauma can last forever. If you need to correct your child, do it privately, and always be fair. - Rule Number 6. The golden rule: for every order or prohibition, offer ten words of love or praise. Think about how many instructions you give your child in a day, from “don’t go there” to “behave properly.” Imagine you need to give at least ten times as many praise statements. You don’t need to over-praise, but recognize that endless criticism or instructions become background noise, and your child will stop listening. Share the most important information and don’t hold back on praise.
Mistake! Don’t expect immediate changes in behavior after giving an instruction. Children aren’t robots; they need time to understand what you want. It’s also hard for them to shift from something enjoyable to something obligatory, and sometimes they’re just not in a good mood. - Rule Number 7. Fill your words and actions with love and patience. Every day, your child explores the world and learns about themself. Adults often think a child is misbehaving and decide to let them scream until they calm down on their own. But remember—your child is feeling emotions they don’t understand. They are scared and don’t know what to do, which might make things worse. Be patient, show love, and comfort your child. Tell them you love them, that you understand their feelings, and hug them.
Mistake! Many parents think raising a child is only about providing valuable advice. In reality, 90% of education is through your personal example. If you smoke while warning against smoking, it’s almost certain your child will follow your actions—not your words. If you swear, your child will likely pick up bad language, too.
Remember: your child is a unique little person, and you are the most important influence in their life. You are their role model! Children imitate their parents’ behavior and values. Cultivate in yourself the qualities you want to see in your child. In the end, raising a child is just as much about improving yourself.