How to teach a child respect and discipline
A child's development greatly depends on their parents. The time you invest in raising your son or daughter, your patience through each stage of their growth, and your behavior and relationships within the family—these are the foundations for teaching discipline and fostering mutual respect.It can be challenging to expect teenagers to consistently follow your set of rules, and even harder to build a relationship in which an older child willingly listens and cooperates. In any community, discipline relies on strong, positive relationships.
First, consider what you hope to achieve by teaching discipline. Your goal should be to develop discipline collaboratively and painlessly, so your child can learn to meet society’s expectations without resentment, and satisfy their own needs without harming others.
Determine the boundaries of what is permitted
Before you ask for order, clearly define the boundaries of acceptable behavior. One of the most important steps in teaching discipline is to set reasonable rules and limitations. Your child needs to understand which behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable, and only then can you expect them to follow specific rules.
Distinguish between deliberate disobedience and childish forgetfulness
Don’t punish your child if their actions are simply childish forgetfulness—for example, forgetting to feed the dog, make their bed, or take out the garbage. These actions are typical of childhood. Often, children’s minds protect them from pressure, stress, and anxiety caused by adult expectations.
Be gentle as you help your child manage tasks and responsibilities. If they don’t respond to calm instructions, you can try tested approaches: ask older children to help at home, assist in the kitchen, clean the house, or earn money to replace something they’ve lost or broken.
Remember, childish forgetfulness isn't the same as open defiance, and should be addressed with calm, patient methods.
Respond to open defiance firmly and confidently
Many children test boundaries and challenge your authority as a leader in the family. When this happens, teenagers might deliberately refuse your requests out of stubbornness.
When generational clashes occur, it’s important for adults to maintain their leadership role wisely, without disappointing the child’s expectations for guidance. Nothing undermines your role more than losing control, whether by reacting with tears, shouting, or displaying an inability to manage the situation. Children lose trust in parents who seem weak or inconsistent, which can erode respect and loyalty.
Advice:
Our unique Parenting Mentor Test will help you learn how to effectively teach your child discipline right now. By taking it, you’ll better understand how to connect with your child by changing yourself, and how to make your parenting style more effective.
Start talking to your child in a respectful tone
If you’re raising your voice, stop. Children lose respect for parents who constantly shout. Shouting teaches them that yelling is an acceptable way to express emotions and solve problems, so children start yelling too. Respectful relationships rarely require raised voices to get a child’s attention.
Focus on strengthening your relationship
When you set boundaries (“First homework, then TV!”) or express expectations (“We speak respectfully in this house”), encourage cooperation by spending time with your child daily and listening more than you speak. If your child seems “too busy” to talk, make extra effort to connect.
Go shopping together or offer help with an event. Remember, if your child doesn’t respect or listen to you, you won’t be able to influence them, especially as a teenager.
Agree with your child on a few unbreakable family rules
Don’t overwhelm your child with too many rules. Decide on the most important ones—like speaking respectfully, homework expectations, or screen time limits. Discuss the rules as a family and reach an agreement. Encouraging teens to share their opinions increases cooperation.
Stop preventing your child from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions. When we worry about our children, we sometimes interfere to protect them. For instance, if they forget to bring a permission slip to school, help them figure out how to prepare better next time. If your child still forgets, allow them to learn from the experience.
Stop punishing your child
Self-discipline develops when a child chooses to give up one thing for something they value more. What do teens want most? They want to be understood. Focus on your relationship, not just on punishment.
“If you don’t do your homework, I’ll take your phone,”—this phrase shows a parent’s concern, but can have negative consequences. The teen feels controlled and may rebel. They may shift responsibility for their behavior onto you, blaming you for their problems.
Instead, show empathy, ask your child some questions, and talk through the consequences of their actions. “I saw you tried to finish your math homework in the morning... Who enjoys feeling rushed? Right? Let’s try to do it the night before so you can sleep longer in the morning.” Help them understand natural consequences, so they learn responsibility for their actions.
Teach your child to make amends
Encourage your child to think about ways to fix their mistakes. If they were rude to a sibling, have them do something kind to make up for it. If something gets broken, they can contribute some of their allowance to help replace it.
But remember: if you come up with the solution and force it on your child, it won’t have meaning. The process should be an opportunity for your child to build self-esteem and learn that everyone makes mistakes, but we can always try to make things better.
Show love to your child, even during conflict
After a quarrel—especially when you’ve asserted your leadership—your teen may need comfort and reassurance. Meet them halfway and offer the affection they want.
If your child wants a hug, give them one. Hold them close and express your love. Then, calmly and supportively explain what happened and what should be done differently next time. Such supportive conversations help build understanding and family unity.
Avoid unreasonable demands
Always ensure your child is capable of meeting your expectations. Never punish them for things outside their control—like coming home with wet shoes because it unexpectedly rained, or forgetting groceries when you didn’t give clear instructions.
If mistakes were unintended, remember that impossible demands create unsolvable conflicts and hurt your family’s emotional well-being.
Encourage your child to reflect on their actions
Questions are a hundred times more effective than any reprimand:
- What did you hope to achieve by doing this?
- Did your conscience warn you not to do it?
- What made you listen to or ignore that warning?
- How did things turn out?
- How did it affect others involved?
- What else could you have done?
Suppose your child is testing your resolve about a rule. Remain friendly but enforce boundaries. For instance, stay near your child as they do homework to help prevent distractions. If you’ve relied on punishment before, it might take weeks or months for self-discipline to develop, but eventually, following rules will become a habit and your child will enjoy positive results.