How to teach kids conflict resolution strategies
Conflicts are a natural part of life and can even form the foundation of a healthy relationship. One person’s needs and interests can differ greatly from another’s. Too often, the word "conflict" is associated with something that destroys relationships. But it’s not conflict itself that causes damage; it’s how we behave in conflicts that can lead to unsatisfactory outcomes.Teach your child to communicate and stop doing it for them
It’s very important for children to learn how to communicate well, not just with adults, but also with other kids. Many children today are quite skilled at managing adults—but find it more difficult to socialize with their peers at school. This is because adults and kids respond differently to children’s behavior. Adults often intervene, finding a place for the child in a game, asking others to share, and worrying about the child being left out, so they actively resolve the child’s communication issues for them.
However, children have their own way of responding to classmates. It’s important to recognize that children and adults face different challenges: children need to integrate into society—something they work at, with varying degrees of success, especially at a young age. Adults, on the other hand, have already developed their own social skills: some communicate easily, others may find it difficult all their lives.
Advice:
Help your child learn to resolve conflicts and develop relationships based on cooperation and constructive interaction. Take our Parenting Mentor Test for tailored advice on teaching your child to identify the causes of conflicts and resolve them appropriately.
Determine what goals each party is pursuing
This is an important and sometimes challenging step in constructive ("correct") conflict resolution—but sometimes understanding motives is enough to end a conflict. If you grasp the goals of the other person, you may realize your interests don’t actually conflict. Avoiding problems or using force are non-constructive conflict strategies which can damage relationships.
By avoiding open confrontation, we can allow latent conflict to grow. In contrast, an open discussion can resolve issues and improve relations. Teach your child to reach agreements peacefully, considering the other person’s interests as well as their own.
How can you teach a child to resolve conflicts constructively?
- Lead by example. Remember, children reflect what they see in you. There’s a belief that children shouldn’t witness parents’ arguments—but what they should avoid is hearing insults, yelling, or seeing physical aggression. On the contrary, if they observe you resolving disagreements constructively, you teach them to do the same. If your child sees you argue, show them how you make peace.
- Don’t avoid all conflict in front of your child. The child will sense tension regardless and might imagine the worst. Children need to see that parents sometimes disagree, but don’t shout or insult each other, and ultimately can reach an agreement. This helps your child understand that conflict isn’t the end of a relationship, but a chance to negotiate. Never allow insults, either toward yourself or your partner—respect each other’s opinions and character. Judge actions, not personal qualities.
- Pay attention to your direct interactions with your child. If you use an authoritarian parenting style, always insisting on your own way without discussion, your child might mimic this with peers—either always insisting on their viewpoint or, conversely, never standing up for themselves because they’re used to just obeying.
- If your child has a conflict with peers, but their safety isn’t at risk, don’t rush to intervene. Let the children try to resolve it themselves. Afterwards, you can discuss with your child what helped to resolve the conflict constructively.
- If you witness a conflict and your child asks for help, don’t immediately take sides. Instead, let the children each explain what they think caused the conflict.
- Teach children not to resort to accusations and insults. Ask questions like: "How did you feel when Alex took your things without asking?" Help children calm down after the conflict and express their emotions appropriately. Strictly disallow negative labeling or hurtful comments. Encourage them to describe their feelings using "I-statements" (e.g., "I feel hurt," "I am angry"). This helps build mutual understanding. Be patient—expressing emotions can take time, and you need to guide the process to avoid name-calling.
- Don’t assign blame to either party. Avoid saying "you’re both to blame." Once the children have shared their feelings, help them work out possible solutions together. Let both sides speak, discuss the pros and cons of each solution, and try to help them agree on one. Hold back your own suggestions initially and listen to the children. The goal isn’t to find fault, but to find a way forward.
- If your child tells you about a conflict with peers, don’t immediately take their side. Explain that a conflict usually involves two sides. Ask your child what he or she did or said during the conflict. Your goal is not to judge or blame, but to help your child understand both perspectives. You can even role-play the conflict with your child, exploring how different actions or words might have helped resolve it more constructively.
- If your child complains about another child, it’s tempting to punish the other child. But don’t jump to conclusions—you’ve only heard one side of the story. If the issue seems serious, contact the other child’s parents rather than approaching the child directly.
- Ask the children: "What should we do now?" Listen to all of their suggestions, even the ones that seem “wrong” to you. Discuss the pros and cons with them and choose a solution together.
For example, children may suggest:
• to play separately (but then both may be bored)
• to return the favor (but then the other person might be hurt)
• to apologize to each other
• to return the favor (but then the other person might be hurt)
• to apologize to each other
Discuss the details—what should be said and when? Make sure both children understand what’s agreed.
When children take ownership of resolving a conflict and reach consensus on what to do, they’re learning and practicing constructive communication skills.
When children take ownership of resolving a conflict and reach consensus on what to do, they’re learning and practicing constructive communication skills.
- If you’re worried your child is always getting into conflicts, pay attention to how you communicate with them and your spouse. Talk to your child about their friendships and encourage conversations about social relationships.
- Consider internal (intrapersonal) conflicts as well. If your child is having issues at school—a fight with a classmate, trouble with a teacher, or being bullied—you’ll likely find out if you have a trusting relationship, or you may hear from teachers.
But parents often pay less attention to what’s happening inside the child’s mind and soul—what psychologists call intrapersonal or internal conflicts. These are inevitable; they help form a child’s identity. Whether your child grows up to be happy and successful depends on how they learn to manage conflicts—including internal ones.
Few parents realize that many behavioral challenges stem from inner conflict. To help your child, learn about types of conflict and strategies for resolution. This will enable you to offer the right support.