How to Deal with Teens' Violent Outbursts
Exposure to peer influence, unwarranted aggression, risky behaviors, and the emergence of bad habits—these and other challenges of adolescence are familiar to many parents. However, not everyone understands the underlying reasons. A teenager's aggressive behavior can be expressed in various ways; it depends on the child's personality, upbringing, and peer group. Friends and classmates can play a significant role by influencing the teen and provoking conflict.It is very important to distinguish between aggressiveness and aggression. In cases of aggression, the teenager does harm, causes physical pain, or psychologically affects others. Aggressiveness, on the other hand, is a readiness for aggression—the adolescent perceives any comments with hostility, doesn't want to reflect on or understand his behavior, and feels that everyone is biased against him. Teenagers are no longer small children.
The strong bond with parents begins to weaken. Adolescents have not yet learned how to apply their skills and knowledge in real life, but they are trying to take their first steps toward adulthood. In their efforts to practice adulthood, they often "train" on their parents, leading to teenage aggression towards adults. Parents try to restore the previous relationship, wishing their children would be as obedient as before. But that's no longer possible. This conflict can escalate into arguments and displays of aggression. During adolescence, aggression often manifests first at home, but can also occur at school or in public. Teens may be rude or even cruel to pets, and they refuse to accept criticism. Most classmates are wary of such a teen, and teachers may prefer to keep their distance.
Advice:
To understand the psychological reasons behind your child’s aggression, take our Parenting Mentor Test and receive recommendations on how to address the behavior and channel your teen's energy in positive ways.
The Main Forms of Teen Aggression
- Verbal aggression. This is when the teenager uses rude language, threatens, or shouts to get their way.
- Physical aggression. The teenager resorts to physical force against others.
- Irritability. The teenager’s mood changes rapidly; they become sharp and quick-tempered, and may say rude things for no obvious reason.
- Indirect aggression. The teenager tries to hurt others by playing cruel jokes or spreading gossip.
- Hidden aggression. The teenager doesn’t show aggression openly. Instead, it is seen in their refusal to do what they are told or asked to do.
- Suspicion. This form of aggression involves deep distrust; the teenager suspects everyone and looks for hidden motives everywhere.
- Don't shout at the teenager. Don’t respond to angry outbursts by shouting. Raising your voice only adds to the sense of a lack of control and can suggest weakness. Your teen may lose respect or trust. Demonstrate effective behavior by staying calm, avoiding anger in your presence, and not seeking revenge.
Don’t join the "who's louder" contest if your child raises their voice. Try answering quietly or ignoring the raised voice. This way, you don’t give the reaction they want. If you feel overwhelmed, say: “That’s it, I’m getting angry and may say things I shouldn’t. I love you, so I’m going to calm down and we’ll talk later.” It’s not easy, but with persistence, you’ll succeed. - Code word. Establish a special word, gesture, or object as a signal for both of you to take a break. For example, if you hear the word “orange,” both of you should leave the room and cool down for five minutes before resuming the conversation. This rule must apply to both you and your child for harmonious relationships; be sure you are not living by double standards.
- You’re right. Don’t argue with your child when they are angry. Instead, defuse the situation. Ask: “Why are you angry with me?” or “What upset you so much?” Allow them to express themselves.
Then help your child see things from a different perspective or simply make them laugh! - Don’t freeze up. Some parents become paralyzed when their child is rude. Indecision gives the child a sense of greater freedom to push boundaries. Some teens even deliberately escalate things to get their way. Don’t get caught in this trap. Remind yourself: “I am going to stay calm,” “I can handle this.”
- Time to blow off steam. If your child clearly struggles to contain aggression, offer a safe way to release it without hurting others. During adolescence, aggressive behavior can serve important functions: relieving fear, asserting interests, protecting against threats, and helping with adaptation. But sometimes, this sense of “resentment against the world” can undermine your teen’s and your family’s well-being.
- Let your child grow up. Accept that your child is becoming capable and independent. They have a right to make their own choices, even if they are not what you want. After all, you wouldn’t want them to always obey others at age 30, either! This is the time when teens practice defending their own interests. Offer knowledge about reaching agreements and accept that sometimes their choices will differ from yours. This is part of growing up.
- I’m on your side. No matter the reason for your teen’s anger—problems at school, with friends, or other adults—always let them know you’re on their side. Your child should feel that, no matter what, you won’t reject or judge them. Become their friend and earn their trust. Teen aggressiveness often masks a sense of defenselessness. If children feel unsafe or unloved, many fears develop. To cope, they often turn to aggressive behavior. Make sure your child feels loved, valued, and accepted at all times. Don’t hesitate to show care and compassion.
With understanding, patience, and love from parents—and, if needed, the help of psychologists—such moments can be managed. The most important thing is to identify the external and internal factors that shape your teen’s behavior.