Is it good to be a manipulative parent?
In raising children, parents not only care for their child’s physical health but also encounter tantrums, outbursts, disobedience, and whims. Such behavior can become a real challenge for parents, sometimes leaving them feeling powerless. Living with a child, we naturally become involved in their emotional world. Teaching, understanding, and accepting your child requires significant emotional strength. Many parents, often unconsciously, choose an easier path—using shame, intimidation, or a sense of responsibility to obtain the desired behavior from their child.Manipulation is a tool some parents use to override their child’s will. Through manipulation, a parent imposes their own scripts and pressures the child’s feelings, instilling a distorted sense of what is right. As a result, the child does not act in accordance with their true self or character and instead acts as directed by the parent. All psychological manipulation—especially for children—inevitably evokes feelings of fear, shame, worthlessness, and guilt.
Parental manipulation usually isn’t out of malice. It’s often driven by excessive responsibility, insecurity, or the desire to ensure everything is right for their child. Sometimes, it’s simply a learned pattern, as parents themselves were manipulated when they were children. There may be no family where, sooner or later, a parent does not resort to this simple and accessible method.
It is much easier to:
- pressure than explain
- force than wait for awareness
- instill than hope for understanding
- manipulate than truly help make sense of the situation
The most common scripts of manipulative parents and their consequences:
Intimidation or suspicion
“Don’t climb there or you’ll break your arms or legs.” It’s easy to frighten a child into obedience and compliance. This is often seen as easier than calmly explaining things with reason. Unfortunately, intimidation often seems like the quickest path to a desired result.
• “Have you done your homework? Should I check?”
• “Isn’t it time to go to school? The supervisor probably has something to say about you.”
This is using suspicion to achieve compliance. Parents may not have time to check homework or go to school, but the child is left scared and tries to improve.
You might keep a child scared for some time, but eventually they realize their parents’ threats are empty words. By adolescence, such a child may use the same tactics on their parents, turning intimidation back at them.
For example:
“I will leave home if you ...” or even: “I’ll jump out of the window if ...”
Overprotection
Parents who are overprotective often have only one child or a child who was born after much difficulty. Their world revolves around the child, and manipulation becomes a tool to foster dependence. The result is a child convinced the world is full of danger, vulnerable to every threat except when protected by parents. Such parents accompany the child everywhere, control homework, and decide who the child can befriend.
“Come here, but don’t go there. Watch this, play this, but ignore that.” The child is taught to see danger everywhere and believe only parents can protect them. This can be either conscious or subconscious, but the result is the same—the child hides behind their parents instead of solving even minor problems independently.
Parents are perfect
Children raised in families with perfectionist parents have it tough. From an early age, they are made to feel inferior and not good enough. They’re told things like, “Dad and I did well in school. You don’t,” or “Grandfather would be ashamed if he saw you.”
These parents convince their child that the family is ideal—except for them. The child strives to live up to impossible standards, becoming exemplary students or achievers—not for themselves, but to earn approval. Each accomplishment is dismissed as not enough. The child learns that they are only loved for achievements and feels love must be earned. As adults, they may continue this pattern, seeking controlling partners or toxic work environments.
Parents as eternally "sick"
Pretending to have health crises, parents may say, “You want to send me to an early grave,” or “If you don’t come home, I’ll get sick and can’t call an ambulance.” After hearing such performances repeatedly, children may stop reacting altogether.
If a parent really does become sick, the child may either stay overly dependent on their parents, never forming independent adult relationships, or become emotionally detached.
Guilt
Some parents manipulate by playing victim. They say things like, “Never mind me, go have fun while I sit here alone”—endlessly reminding the child of their supposed suffering. Such manipulative guilt-trips often come with downcast expressions and mournful voices. As adults, these children struggle with trusting others or setting boundaries and may repeatedly fall prey to manipulators.
Love must be earned
This manipulation uses pity and guilt, teaching that love is conditional—a reward, not a given. Typical lines include, “You have nothing to be loved for,” “Live as you wish, you’re no longer my child,” or “Love requires action, and yours prove otherwise.”
What could be worse for a child than feeling unloved by their parents? For them, it’s as if their whole world falls apart. They’ll do anything to regain that love, learning that affection is transactional—behavior is a currency. Over time, though, love may be devalued, and parental criticism fades into background noise.
Sooner or later, manipulation has negative consequences. Children grow up timid, resentful, and may repeat the same dynamics with their own families. But that’s not what any parent truly wants. Regardless of your child’s age, it’s never too late to start building a more harmonious relationship. Allow your child to make mistakes, learn from experience, take responsibility, and understand the consequences of their actions.
What can replace manipulation? Establish family rules together at family meetings and agree on them. Enforcing mutually agreed rules reduces the need for manipulation. Most importantly, accepting your child as they truly are, and offering unconditional love and support, are the keys to the harmonious development of a child’s personality.