Lies We Tell Our Small Children: Top 10 Reasons Why Parents Lie to Their Children
Parents lie to their children every day, often without realizing it. While you might tell your child that lying is wrong, you may inadvertently be teaching them to lie by your own actions. Children come to see lying as normal because mom and dad do it too. Sometimes, we deceive to protect our children because we love them and want to shield them from suffering. However, it's important to understand that when parents deceive, they may inadvertently teach their children to become liars. Clearly, this is not what we want, so we should strive to stop lying and start telling the truth—to ourselves and to our children.- The main reason for lying is to manipulate the child’s mind. Withholding or distorting information can make a child more obedient or compliant to a parent’s will.
- For protection. If asked why they lie, most parents say, “to protect them.” Of course, children need protection—like a newborn who needs a safe, nurturing environment. While assuring children the world is safe can feel harmless, overprotecting or misrepresenting reality can be harmful in the long run. It is essential to balance protection with respect for your child’s age and individuality.
- False disguise: covering their own helplessness. Sometimes, parents lie because they don’t know how to tell the truth. Psychologists suggest that confident adults are more willing to admit, “I don’t know.” Less confident parents often feel they must have all the answers, which can lead them to say things like, “You’ll find out when you’re older” or “It’s none of your business.” Such responses, while seeming innocent, teach children their first lessons in deceit.
- To protect themselves, not their children. Parents sometimes lie to shield themselves, as when a pet dies. Well-intended mass lies, like creating rituals for Santa or leaving cookies and milk, can hinder a child’s realistic view of the world. It’s better to encourage imagination through creativity, not deception. For sensitive topics, like bereavement, explain honestly yet gently, for example, "Grandpa is now in another world we can’t see, but you can always remember him and send your love in your heart."
- Embarrassment over sex-related issues leads to tall tales. Children often become curious about sex long before puberty and want to understand how they came into the world. Regardless of age, children are curious about their origins, so it’s best to explain things honestly, adjusting your explanations to their developmental stage.
- To inspire wonder, calm the child, or gain compliance. Parents sometimes use lies to generate positive emotions or to ensure good behavior—for instance, "Don’t misbehave, or the monster will come." They also talk about fictional characters like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy to make children happy. The challenge is to find effective educational methods that enable parents to be honest while still delighting their children. It can be tough, but honesty is the best policy in the long run.
Advice:
Take our unique Parenting Mentor Test to better understand your child and your own feelings. Depending on your results, you'll receive detailed recommendations on how to stop lying to your child, and how to create a warm, trusting relationship. - To encourage obedience by exaggerating their own virtues. Parents may tell stories about how obedient they were as children in an attempt to make their child behave similarly. In reality, this is just an attempt to set a good example, often with a little exaggeration.
- Concern for health leads to common lies: “You need to eat everything to be healthy!” Nearly every child hears this one. In reality, children shouldn't be encouraged to overeat. Instead, set appropriate portion sizes. Another common lie is, "It won't hurt," when visiting the dentist or getting injections. Rather than deny their fears, acknowledge them by saying things like, “I know you’re scared,” or “You look sad.” Prepare your child for medical visits by showing pictures and explaining what will happen.
- The "white lie." Some parents believe it’s acceptable to withhold or distort the truth to spare children pain, such as hiding the death of a relative. If a situation cannot be changed, sometimes withholding full truth may be permissible. However, do so with care, so when the truth surfaces, the child can understand your reasons. Encourage sincerity and provide support, instead of just replacing what was lost.
- To protect children from the topic of death. When someone dies—whether in the family or on the news—parents often try to protect their child from harsh realities by avoiding the subject. However, children think about death more often than adults expect, sometimes as early as age 3-4. If someone close has died, answer their questions honestly, at an age-appropriate level. Don’t hide the loss or use vague excuses, as uncertainty can be more distressing. To help children cope, ensure they have emotional support and the chance to build new connections.
Parents rarely consider the implications of what they say and, most importantly, how it might affect their child. It’s crucial for parents to agree in advance on what should and should not be shared with their child. Ultimately, the most important thing is to act honestly with respect to your child.