My child makes me angry. How can I stop this?
Parents often ask themselves: “What about our feelings? We, the parents, also get worried and angry, tired and hurt too. We all have challenging days with our children. Some days are especially tough. What should we do with our concerns?” Sometimes, parents find it hard to admit—even to themselves—that they occasionally feel bursts of anger, resentment, or irritation toward their own child when he or she disobeys or misbehaves. In these cases, parents often don’t know how to control themselves and wonder: “How do I avoid taking this out on my child?” These are reasonable questions. Let’s try to find the answers.Let’s try to recall what specifically made us angry. Clothes scattered all over the house? The child didn’t let us know they’d be home late? Why does anger arise? Psychologists offer an interesting answer: anger is a secondary emotion, often rooted in feelings such as pain, fear, or resentment. You shouldn't hide or, even worse, bottle up these feelings. They need to be expressed—but in a specific way. We’ll talk more about how to do this.
In the meantime, consider these rules:
- It’s okay to express disapproval of your child’s actions, but not of your child as a person.
- You can criticize what your child does, but not their feelings—no matter how unwanted or “unacceptable” they may seem. If a feeling arises, there’s a reason for it.
- Constant disapproval of your child’s actions can turn into rejection of the child themselves.
First, take a moment to check in with your own mood and state of mind. When you get irritated or angry, try to pause, breathe, and pay attention to your feelings. If you notice your heart beating faster, a shiver down your body, or your mouth getting dry, stop there. Don’t let frustration take over. Exhale. Don’t let your negative emotions escalate—this will help you regain control. Sometimes, your irritation or anger is really stress you've built up during the day: work pressure, traffic, etc. As an exercise, try to notice when you’re close to snapping, and then say to yourself, your child, or those around you: “I’m feeling angry right now. I’ll calm down, and then we’ll continue.”
Advice:
Try to see your child not as the cause of your irritation, but as a young person who hasn’t yet learned to control their impulses or follow your instructions. Take our Parenting Mentor Test to learn how to identify the real reasons for your annoyance and anger. It will teach you effective strategies for dealing with emotional outbursts.
If your child’s behavior frustrates you, let them know. Don’t hide strong negative feelings—don’t stay silent, suppress your anger, or pretend to be calm. You can’t really fool anyone—not yourself, and not your child, who will immediately sense something is wrong from your posture, gestures, tone, facial expressions, or eyes. In fact, over 90% of our inner state is communicated nonverbally. It’s hard to control these signals, and eventually, your feelings break through as harsh words or actions.
How do you tell your child how you feel without harming them or yourself?
When sharing your feelings with your child, speak in the FIRST PERSON. Talk about yourself and your concerns, not about your child’s actions specifically.
Examples:
- I don’t like it when my daughter leaves her clothes all over the apartment.
- I get angry when my daughter doesn’t help with the household chores.
- Loud music tires me out.
All these sentences use personal pronouns I, ME. Psychologists call these statements “I-messages”.
- Stop leaving your clothes everywhere!
- Why didn’t you help me this time?
- Turn off the music!
Some parents phrase these statements differently: These sentences contain the words you and your. These are called “You-messages.” Some parents phrase the same sentiments differently:
At first glance, the difference between “I-messages” and “You-messages” might seem small. In fact, the latter often feels more familiar and “convenient.” However, these statements can make your child feel attacked and defensive, prompting pushback. “You-messages” generally come across as criticism or blame.
Here’s a typical dialogue:
“When will you finally clean your room?” (accusation). The “I-message” offers several advantages over the “You-message”.
- You express negative feelings in a way that isn’t offensive to your child.
- “I-messages” let children see you, the parent, as a real person. Often, we hide behind our authority as parents, afraid to let our guard down. Kids can be surprised to realize their parents have feelings. This makes a strong impression and helps create a closer, more human connection.
- When we’re open and sincere about our feelings, children are more honest in sharing theirs. They feel trusted, and trust us in return.
- By expressing our feelings without commanding or scolding, we give children a chance to make their own decisions. As a result, they’re more likely to consider our wishes and feelings. Just be careful: don’t start with an “I-message” and end with a “You-message.” You can avoid this error by using impersonal phrases or general terms. Instead of saying: “Stop leaving your clothes everywhere!” or “You didn’t help me clean the apartment again.” try: “It upsets me to see the room messy again.”
Talking reduces emotional intensity, helping you keep control and avoid taking out your anger on your child, but the irritation itself doesn’t just disappear—it builds up and needs release.
There are many ways to find emotional relief: for some, it’s running or walking outdoors, for others, it’s calling a friend and sharing your experiences from the day. Some seek comfort from a loved one, others work it out at the gym. It’s important not to be afraid to tell your friends and relatives you’re tired and need a break. The key is to allow yourself to admit this! Remember, feeling irritated is natural—it’s normal! But in moments of anger, try to recall the love you have for your child. This will help keep your anger from spilling over onto the most precious person in your life.