My child usually gets on my nerves. Why do kids do it?
When children come into our lives, they change them forever. They bring the joy of discovery and the pleasure of seeing yourself in your child. However, they also bring anxiety and fears about their future.If your child’s behavior frightens or irritates you, don’t accept it as an unchangeable fact. A “Cold War” with a “troublesome” child requires careful study and resolution.
Who is a “troublesome child”?
It's not always just teenagers. Both a 4-year-old and an 8-year-old can be inventive at causing problems for adults.
The “complexity” of these children lies in their sensitivity and vulnerability. Their reactions to challenges and restrictions can be much stronger, as their patience tends to run out faster.
How to find the root of the problem?
This is the first question you need to ask when dealing with a troublesome child. First, recognize your own feelings when facing disobedience and rebellious behavior.
Try to identify your main feelings during your child’s most "difficult" moments: irritation, resentment, anger, or despair. It's the parent who feels despair; the child is fighting for attention.
Children grow not only physically but also emotionally. The warmth and care of loved ones supports their emotional growth. If they don’t receive this nurturing “sponsorship,” they may seek a substitute, which could be negative — like irritation, blame, or punishment.
What to do? Show a positive parental attitude. Increase the amount of time spent together doing activities and shared hobbies.
Example: John (9), usually very organized, suddenly became easily distracted. He started breaking things by accident, constantly forgot his sports gear at home, and seemed not to hear requests to help. John couldn’t explain his behavior. Hoping to help, Priscilla, his mother, started a tradition of shopping together twice a week, chatting about whatever was going on in John's life without any rush. Oliver, John’s father, began taking him to the car-care center on Fridays, showing him his work and answering questions. It took them 18 months to resolve John’s “awkwardness.”
Parents feel anger. Children seek self-definition despite parental influenceExample: John (9), usually very organized, suddenly became easily distracted. He started breaking things by accident, constantly forgot his sports gear at home, and seemed not to hear requests to help. John couldn’t explain his behavior. Hoping to help, Priscilla, his mother, started a tradition of shopping together twice a week, chatting about whatever was going on in John's life without any rush. Oliver, John’s father, began taking him to the car-care center on Fridays, showing him his work and answering questions. It took them 18 months to resolve John’s “awkwardness.”
This issue first arises around age 2. If it doesn’t get better and keeps increasing, there may be a bias in parent–child communication favoring a dictatorial approach, which doesn’t suit every child.
Advice:
To better understand your parenting style and the main causes of frequent conflicts, try our unique Parenting Mentor Test. It will help you spot mistakes and develop an effective strategy.
What to do? Loosen control! Let go of negative expectations and trust your child. Show interest in their successes and favorite activities. Every child needs the experience of making decisions—and mistakes—on their own.
Use the “method of adjustment.” Don’t give your child tasks that are too difficult. Whenever possible, don’t dismiss their choices immediately. Offer alternatives or advice, but don’t impose your own view.
Example: "- Yes, you want ice cream now. You can have it after dinner. What will you have for dinner? Potatoes like Dad, or rice with salad like Mom?"
The parent feels hurt. The child wants revenge
Sometimes the cause is a hidden grievance that has never been expressed.
What to do? Identify or remember what caused your child’s heartache.
If something traumatic happened in your child’s life—parents’ divorce, a new sibling, sudden life changes (like moving to a new city, hospitalization, etc.)—voice the issue when the child is in a good mood. If the reaction is strong, you’ve likely found the cause.
Sometimes, when contact is lost or the child is very young, try talking while they are asleep. Once they fall asleep, think of all your love for them, and say what you can’t express while they’re awake. Speak softly and calmly, focusing on warmth and affection. Avoid accusations—your child is vulnerable and needs reconnection.
Parent feels despair. Child becomes less self-confident
Outwardly, this can sound like, "Let me be bad!" But really, it's "If I can’t do it right, I won’t even try to be good."
This happens when too many failures or excessive criticism build up—in school, with peers, or other activities. If a child hears too often that they are "untidy" or "worthless," they may start to undermine themselves in other areas, especially at home.
What to do? Stop demanding and start encouraging—even small things.
During this "healing" period, avoid all criticism. Focus not on results, but on your child's individuality.
Don’t say things like: "You have such a high forehead, Lizzy! You should hide it under a cap or bangs," "Thomas, wear a bigger T-shirt to hide your tummy," or "Leave the vacuum cleaner, Michael! You’re too short—let your older brother do it."
At first, shield your child from major failures. Work with teachers to find reachable goals. Once supported at home and school, your child will gain confidence and you'll notice a positive change.
Pay attention! The time spent improving your relationship should be a truce.Don’t react negatively as before. If you feel emotion rising, stop yourself before acting—don’t criticize, shout, or blame. Instead, focus on a favorite trait in your child that brings you warmth—be it their eye color, upturned nose, or cute ears.