My daughter’s friends exclude her and she feels left out by everyone. How can I help?
As a rule, in any community—especially among children—a person is often not accepted if they do not share the majority’s interests, viewpoints, attitudes, behaviors, or appearance. Diverging interests can lead to conflict, resulting in someone not fitting into a particular group. Among teenagers, peer pressure is very strong, and if someone stands out due to their appearance or behavior, the "crowd" is often displeased.It’s possible your daughter is not very sociable or outgoing due to her personality. When a child isn’t sure how to communicate or build relationships, their peers may become irritated. Not all children are willing or able to share their struggles with parents—older children are especially less likely to complain or talk about what’s happening. It’s important to take an interest in your daughter’s life, but do so gently and without imposing. If she doesn’t share much, be observant.
Advice:
The family provides a key foundation for a child’s intellectual development and social skills. While parents can’t control what happens among peers, they are often the first to notice when their child feels uncomfortable or has issues with classmates—sometimes before teachers do. In such cases, you must act promptly. We invite you to take our Parenting Mentor Test, which will help you understand your daughter’s feelings and the reasons for her isolation.
Common Features of Rejected Children
Rejected children often unintentionally make themselves targets for bullying. As mentioned, they may respond predictably to provocations, often with inappropriate or exaggerated reactions. Sadly, it’s more tempting to tease someone who reacts strongly—maybe with an outburst, tears, or anger.
Rejected children have trouble managing their emotions and understanding others’ intentions. For example, one boy said "revenge is a good quality," thinking it showed he could stand up for himself. Another’s classmates wondered: “Why does he act so strangely? When we tease him, he waves his hands, chases us, and shouts. I’d just punch the bully and be done with it.”
These children are often very sensitive to attention and sympathy. Any peer who offers support, advice, or shares something is instantly considered a “best friend.” This can be overwhelming, and the well-meaning peer might eventually distance themselves to avoid the intensity.
The following symptoms might suggest your daughter is being excluded:
- She goes to school or out for walks reluctantly and welcomes chances to stay home.
- She comes home from school in a low mood.
- She often cries for no clear reason.
- She never mentions classmates or friends.
- She shares almost nothing about school life.
- She doesn’t know who to contact for homework or avoids calling anyone at all.
- She’s lonely: no one invites her over, to parties, and she also avoids inviting others.
- First, visit the school and talk to her teachers about how she interacts with classmates. Observe her in class, after school, during breaks and events. Who does she communicate with? Who reaches out to her? Consider involving the school psychologist—they can monitor group interactions more easily.
- Watch for health issues like stuttering, tics, enuresis, encopresis, skin conditions, or being overweight. Such issues should be managed and treated when possible. Inform the teacher about any special needs (like emergency medicine or stuttering), as these can make her a target for teasing.
- Make sure your daughter has everything she needs to fit general school expectations. For example, if gym class requires black shorts, give her black ones—not pink, thinking it won’t matter.
- Avoid criticism! Remarks are often taken harshly by teenagers, especially girls with fragile self-esteem who are still finding their place in the world. Don’t respond to “I have no friends” with criticism or suggestions that she isn’t good enough. This only widens the gap between you. Don’t think criticism will help solve the problem; this is a common misconception. Instead, praise her often and build her confidence. Without your support and validation, she may escape into virtual worlds or harmful relationships; others could take advantage of her loneliness.
- Encourage your daughter to try new responses and behaviors. If her reactions are predictable, she plays into the social dynamic. Suggest responding differently—like calmly asking, “So what?” when teased, or laughing along instead of running away or crying. Sometimes, breaking the routine can change how others perceive her.
- Encourage your daughter to socialize with classmates outside school. Invite friends over, host gatherings, and motivate her participation in class events or trips. Try not to pick her up immediately after lessons—let her spend some social time, so she doesn’t miss out on bonding opportunities.
- Do not go to school to confront her bullies directly. Notify the teacher and psychologist about any problems. Do not rush to intervene in every conflict; learning to resolve disputes is part of growing up. However, never ignore ongoing bullying or harassment—these require adult intervention.
- Help your daughter gain acceptance in her group. Learn about the interests of those she wants to be friends with. Ask her privately what’s holding her back, then help her develop related skills. If her classmates like photography and she’s interested, sign her up for a course. She might need a style change or a new haircut—embracing group norms could help her connect.
First, protect her from her aggressors—do not send her to school. Dealing with the bullies isn’t the main concern (though they shouldn’t go unpunished; they’ll just find another victim). What’s crucial is helping your daughter recover emotionally. She may need to switch classes. Teach her to overcome her fear and rebuild trust in peers.
Building Self-Confidence
If your daughter is not accepted by her peers, you should:
- be prepared to work with her teacher and psychologist,
- show tolerance and patience towards her aggressors,
- and most importantly, support your child unconditionally.
Reflect on your own behavior—maybe you unknowingly judge your daughter’s actions or words. Maybe you worry she’s too energetic and you mention to others, “she’s so restless.” This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy—your child might internalize those labels. If she’s quiet, you worry she’ll stay isolated. If she says something out-of-sync with your mood, you might dismiss it as “nonsense.” These labels convince her she is restless, unsure, or not smart. Children gradually take on these roles, first unconsciously and then deliberately.
Self-confidence will help your child in life. To support it, teach her practical and social skills, encourage self-education, and recommend good books. This gives her a solid base for a fulfilling and independent life. When people respect themselves, it’s harder for others to hurt them. Strong people are not bullied, and only the weak seek revenge. Others look up to strong personalities—and that strength can be developed through parental love, encouragement, and support. Parental love is a kind of armor.