My teenage son or daughter hit me, what should I do?
Adolescence brings significant changes to children, not just physically but emotionally and behaviorally—and not always for the better. This period often marks the start of conflicts between parents and children, as teenagers begin expressing their growing independence and maturity in ways that can be challenging for parents.Advice:
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It is not uncommon for a once calm and well-mannered child who helped around the house to begin refusing to help, neglecting studies, or even acting out physically against a parent. Such behavior is always shocking for parents, and many do not know how to react or how to stop it. The first step is to understand why your teenager may behave this way.
- Conflicts between parent and child do not arise overnight. It's not as if a teenager simply wakes up one day and decides to provoke their parents. Conflict develops gradually, shaped by the child's upbringing and environment, and therefore, largely influenced by the parents themselves.
If violence is common in the family, for example if a child has seen their father act aggressively during arguments, it is not surprising that eventually the child may follow this "family tradition" and act aggressively themselves. The same is true if the child has been a victim of violence, especially if they have often heard phrases like "You're too young to decide anything," and so on.
It becomes logical: the child has grown up, is no longer small, and now wants to stand up for themselves and challenge adults. Yes, you might try to suppress them with force to reinforce their "smallness," but the situation is likely to repeat itself over time. - Physical aggression may be directed at parents, but originate elsewhere. For instance, it may come from peers or older children. The child may not retaliate against the actual aggressor but may redirect their anger towards an adult. If your child hits you, but you've never used physical punishment, try to find out if someone else has been aggressive towards them. Analyze your teen's social circle.
- Physical aggression can be a way to release excess energy. Teenagers often have a surplus of energy. Suppressing it at school or in classes focused on mental development may lead to a desire to fight or act out physically. Encourage your child to channel this energy through sports, active games outdoors, or even using a punching bag. Participation in peer activities and sports-focused clubs is as important as intellectual development.
- Sometimes, hitting begins gradually. Perhaps when your child was younger and threw tantrums, you would spank or restrain them, and sometimes they hit back or pushed you, and it wasn't addressed or the reaction was excessive. The child could come to believe that if it's okay to hit or slap lightly, it's not much different to escalate anger physically when upset.
Parents face a challenging task. On one hand, you should not suppress your child's aggression completely, as suppressing a part of their personality can hinder their development and force them to use extra energy to bottle up feelings. On the other hand, you must prevent aggression from taking destructive forms (such as fighting or hitting a parent), and teach your child how to release these feelings in socially acceptable ways. Children can express their aggression in acceptable forms—through play, drawing, competitions, or safe physical activities.
It is important to teach your child how to manage and express their feelings in a healthy way. If you simply scold or punish them without explaining alternatives, the behavior is likely to recur in the next moment of anger. Tell your child that a range of feelings, including anger, is normal. But it's important to express them in safe, non-harmful ways.
Explain that everyone gets angry sometimes, even with those they love, just as happened here. Insist that when they're angry, it's best to use words or harmless actions—not physical aggression. For example, they can say: "I'm really upset with you!", "I'm angry!", "That hurt my feelings!", "I'm very mad at you because you didn't ask me!", "Why did you sell my skates? I'm really upset!" Encourage them to clench their fists, stomp, punch a sofa or pillow, roar like a tiger, shout—anything safe that helps them release pent-up emotions. Suggest that if they're extremely angry and feel like they might explode, they should leave the room and even slam the door. That is far better than hitting someone.
Also, tell your child how scared you were when they attacked you, but focus less on your own hurt and more on teaching healthier ways to express emotions next time. Let them know that you sometimes get angry with them or other family members, too (give examples), but you never resort to hitting. Share your own coping strategies for negative emotions.
Most importantly, never bring up the incident again or tell others about it. This is crucial! Don't harbor resentment toward your teenager after it's been addressed—after any necessary consequences or discussion, explain why parents deserve respect in terms they understand, and then try to move on. If you handle things correctly, the incident will be forgotten and your relationship will recover; holding lifelong grudges is pointless.
Things are simpler with toddlers—it may be enough to firmly stop their hand and explain it's not okay to hit or hurt their mother. Addressing aggression early might help prevent such incidents in adolescence. But never ignore what happened or pretend all is normal—otherwise the teenager may think they've done nothing wrong and repeat it the next time emotions run high.
Don't isolate yourself or respond with hysteria. Instead, analyze your own attitude and behavior toward your teenager—you may unknowingly provoke their aggression with your own actions. Learn to communicate with your child as a friend during this difficult age. Look for common ground, and you will no longer be on opposing sides.