Parental conflict impact on child development
Conflicts can occur in any family and this is quite normal. Some people channel the energy from conflict constructively—clearly expressing their concerns and quickly making up—while others allow disputes to damage their relationships, holding grudges and using any chance to show their partner "how wrong they are." Even worse, they might involve their children in these arguments. The belief that there should be no quarrels or arguments in a happy family is incorrect because a family is a dynamic system made up of individuals. As a result, conflict between family members is inevitable. Through arguments, people can resolve family issues, and if disagreements don't involve personal attacks, there is a chance to reach a constructive solution, relieve psychological stress, and provide each other with support.Why are conflicts between parents dangerous for their developing child?
A negative experience of communication between parents can create a foundation for psychological difficulties. When a child grows up and starts a family of their own, they are likely to model their relationships after what they saw with their parents. Another negative effect is the growing belief in the child that gentle or even friendly relations between their parents are impossible.
Advice:
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The negative experience within a highly conflicted family is complex. Here are just some of the potential consequences of growing up in such an environment for a child's developing mind:
- Increased nervousness as the child grows up amidst unstable relationships between mother and father.
- Disturbances in the family's emotional balance can result in psychological difficulties for the developing child.
- The risk of uncontrolled behavior increases in the child as their parents' authority diminishes.
- The child may have more difficulty absorbing moral and cultural values.
- The chance of the child developing negative feelings toward a particular gender, based on their attachment to one parent over the other, increases.
How do arguments between parents affect their child?
- Frequent quarrels and intense confrontations can make the child feel unsafe and insecure. Prolonged conflicts can result in severe emotional trauma.
- Children may suffer from anxiety, nightmares, withdrawal, indecisiveness, and low self-esteem.
- Young children and teenagers can't fully grasp the complexity of adult relationships. They love both parents and see mutual accusations as a collapse of their world.
- Small children can't explain the reasons for conflict and often blame themselves deep down.
- Children of quarreling parents suffer in silence, unable to express their feelings or experiences. This trauma may manifest as neurotic disorders—such as bedwetting, tics, fears, or attention problems. The child expends all their energy dealing with the stress.
- Arguments between parents can lead to alienation and hostility in the child, which may extend to others and become a lasting aspect of their behavior.
- Many parents believe only open arguments witnessed by children are harmful. However, unresolved tension, false politeness, emotional withdrawal, or even the 'silent treatment' can be more damaging than outright confrontation.
However, the only way to avoid all disagreements between spouses would be not to interact at all—which isn't realistic. It's natural sometimes to be in a bad mood, to have differing (even opposing) perspectives, and to feel anger. It's impossible to always remember that children are watching your every move. What's most important is that after an argument in front of your child, you make peace with your partner, and do so visibly to your child, giving them an example of how to resolve conflicts.
How to quarrel in front of the children?
The most obvious advice is not to argue in front of children at all. But if that's not possible, how should you handle disagreements when your child is present? The answer is straightforward.
You should agree on a few key rules:
- If possible, move to another room—even the bathroom if you live in a small apartment. Importantly, the parents should leave the room, not the child. Sending the child out (especially harshly, or while they protest over watching TV, for instance) sends the message they've done something wrong. If you want to argue, you should be the ones to leave the room. After all, that's how it works in the adult world, isn't it?
- Avoid excessive emotion and shouting. Children are frightened by yelling. Don't raise your voices; speak calmly, ideally in a softer tone.
- No swearing or profanity. There's no excuse for bad language. Cursing seems shocking to a child—until they get used to it, and it becomes a part of their own speech.
- Don't take out your frustration on the child. Your child isn't responsible for your conflict, so don't direct your anger at them. Speaking to them harshly after an argument is unkind and unfair.
- Don't use aggressive gestures or threats. Slamming doors, throwing things, or punching walls are terrible examples for children. Focus on arguments and solutions, not on dredging up past wrongs. If your child witnesses a disagreement, let them see your remorse and hear your explanations. This means a lot to them.