How the Relationship Between Parents Affects Their Child: Maintaining Harmony in the Family
You've probably heard many times that relationships between partners require continual effort. Even in long-term relationships, disagreements, arguments, and conflicts are natural. Parents attentive to their children may try to avoid arguments in front of them, but children are highly sensitive to changes in the family atmosphere. Up to the age of 8, many children often blame themselves for conflicts at home.You don't need to avoid all conflicts for your child's sake, but it's important to show your child a healthy example of expressing discomfort or disagreement and resolving disputes while maintaining kindness and respect. However, overt violence, fighting, and physical threats are never acceptable and can deeply traumatize children for life.
Some parents believe explaining family conflicts to a child will only remind them of unpleasantness and cause further worry. In reality, any family conflict can affect a child.
For children under 5-6 years old, parents arguing can feel like their world is falling apart, with two beloved adults suddenly hurting one another. In a child's mind, something terrible must have happened, raising fears that their loved ones might unexpectedly change. The world seems unsafe and unpredictable.
If you calmly explain to your child what happened, you can prevent their sense of security from collapsing. The event becomes understandable, and the future feels less frightening.
Emphasize that the conflict was just a moment, a small episode in life, and that overall, everything is still okay.
Advice:
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If your child witnesses an argument between parents and does not ask about it, take the initiative to start the conversation.
If your child brings it up, start by asking about their feelings and thoughts regarding the situation (Step 1).
Try these questions:
- What did you see?
- How did you feel about it?
- What do you think happened?
- What did you want to do at the time?
After your child has expressed feelings like anger, fear, or sadness, offer them support (Step 2):
- Hug them or gently comfort them if they cry.
- Reassure them that you love them, even if you and the other parent argued and even if the child felt angry.
- Share your own experiences, recalling how you felt when your parents argued. This helps show that arguments happen even among loved ones.
- If your child tends to blame themselves for grown-up conflicts, reassure them repeatedly that they are not responsible. Let them know adults will solve the issue themselves and make up.
- Avoid going into adult details or blaming the other parent.
- Describe your feelings during the disagreement.
- A child-friendly explanation might be: “Mum/Dad was very tired that night,” “We love each other, but didn’t handle our irritation well,” or “Sometimes people can't manage their emotions, and they suffer because of it.”
- “Mum and Dad have made up and apologized to each other.”
- “Dad apologized, but I still need some time to forgive. That’s okay.”
- “We apologized and want to do something nice for each other, so Mum prepared a special dinner and Dad brought flowers.”
Encourage your child to draw what happened, or create it using playdough. Processing the conflict through play makes it easier for children. You can even act the argument out with toys.
No matter how difficult the disagreement was, as a parent, it's your responsibility to minimize its impact on your child. Your efforts will pay off: your child will learn healthy ways to handle conflicts and realize they can talk to you about troubling issues.