Should parents get involved in children's arguments
Children's conflicts can take different forms depending on their age and temperament. Should parents resolve them? Is it necessary to oversee children during disagreements and to understand their causes?You should pay attention to children's conflicts because:
First, conflicts can be traumatic. Children may fight and accidentally injure themselves or others. Sometimes, unable to gauge their own strength, a child may hit or push, even defensively.
Secondly, frequent conflicts are stressful. Constant quarrels lead to scuffling, noise, and shouting that disturb neighbors and those nearby in public places. Most importantly, they exhaust parents. Any parent would agree that life is calmer without such disputes. Thirdly, children's conflicts may signal that a parent should reconsider their approach to parenting.
Advice:
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Common mistakes that lead to children's conflicts:
- General conflict in the family. Every family has disagreements, but if arguing or emotional or physical violence becomes the norm, children will easily imitate these behaviors.
Try to avoid raising your voice, not only with adults, but also with your child. Do not use physical punishment or manipulation. If disagreements are settled by force—“I am the head of the family and things will go my way!”—or through blackmail—“If you don’t do this, I won’t love you,” “Look what you did to me. Now I have a headache/heartache”—your child perceives conflict as normal. Instead, explain your viewpoint, your feelings, and the consequences of their actions. By doing so, you gradually reduce conflict and improve the family's emotional atmosphere. - Provoking jealousy. Jealousy between children is a common cause of conflict. Parents can help improve the situation.
- Talk openly with the older child, especially when a new family member arrives. Explain how life will change, who will sleep where, who will go to school or nursery, and who will pick them up. Ask for your child's opinion and suggestions.
- Praise and encourage independence, but remember that the oldest child is still a child. Don't give them too much responsibility; being overburdened can lead to resentment and anger toward younger siblings, which may fuel conflict.
- Encourage the older child to teach younger siblings new skills, like playing ball, building with blocks, or using a spoon. Adopting the role of a caring older sibling can help reduce conflict.
- Avoid comparing children. Statements like, “Look how Marie made her bed, unlike you,” or “Harry eats better than you,” can cause resentment and increase aggression, especially in younger children. Comparisons can lead to former friends arguing about who is better.
- Unfair punishment. Some adults assume the older or stronger child is always at fault. Punishing the older child without understanding the situation, or blaming boys more often if the children are of different genders, breeds resentment, anger, and sometimes a desire for revenge. Meanwhile, the other child may feel free to provoke further conflicts, knowing there are no consequences. This can create lasting tension between siblings.
- Encouraging tattling. Children enjoy being seen as good, especially when compared to others. At least once, every child tells an adult about another child's wrongdoing. If your child comes to tell you about a sibling or friend's misbehavior, such as breaking a flower pot or being rough with a pet, let them know that you will deal with the issue. You might say, "I'd like to hear your side, but I'll talk with the other person involved first."
In most cases, children's conflicts resolve themselves. If adults always intervene, separate the children, or ignore the underlying issues, children won't learn to handle their own aggression or defend themselves. Observing your children's behavior during conflicts can reveal weaknesses in your parenting. By understanding the reasons behind your child's actions, you'll get to know them better. Intervening at the right moment can help prevent serious physical harm.