Social skills for kids - what to do if your child has no friends
From a very early age, children start reaching out to connect with their peers. Emotional exchanges during play and, closer to school age, the formation of stable friendships allow children to develop important skills: mastering communication, exploring their abilities, and gaining recognition from others.As children begin school and form clearer ideas about themselves, feedback and reactions from their peers become key factors in shaping self-esteem. Children also start craving affection, connection, and understanding, not just from parents but also from friends. At some points, many children feel unaccepted or hurt by hostility or indifference from their peers.
Rejection happens in every group of children, even among young kids in kindergarten. Psychologists observe that both boys and girls can be affected. If you feel your child cannot connect with their peers, we suggest taking the Parents Mentor Test. This can help you understand your child’s feelings and the problem of being excluded by peers. The results will offer detailed recommendations for improving your child’s relationships.
To understand your child’s relationships with peers, parents should watch for these behavioral signs:
- The child goes to school reluctantly and is happy to skip whenever possible.
- Returns from school in a low mood.
- Often cries for no clear reason.
- Never mentions classmates.
- Says little about school life.
- Is lonely: no one invites them over, or to birthday parties, and they don’t invite anyone themselves.
The first thing you need to do is offer your child emotional support
Adults often advise: "Don’t pay attention." Sometimes, this is useful—not to worry excessively about something. But in most cases, it’s hard for children to ignore experiences that hurt or upset them. Even small incidents have a strong impact, and simply "not paying attention" can lead children to ignore their real feelings, making it harder for them to find solutions.
So, the most important thing is not to underestimate how significant the situation is to your child. It’s much better to provide emotional support: listen without judgment and without rushing to give advice. Your child will feel less alone with their problem if you show empathy and acceptance. You might say, “I see you feel sad (angry, afraid, hurt). It’s really upsetting when others don’t let you join in (when they make fun of you, when you’re alone at recess, etc.). You wish things were different in class.”
The second and perhaps most challenging step as a parent is to understand why this is happening
Why does your child feel like an outsider? Why are they not liked? Why do they have no friends? What is stopping their social adaptation? Here are some possible reasons. Sometimes the causes are obvious: a child’s nationality, delays in psycho-physical development, or prolonged isolation due to illness.
- Most often, the root of the issue lies in the child’s personality or behaviors. Children themselves can contribute to why they are rejected or feel lonely.
- Significant cultural, social, or national differences between your child and their peers. Kids need to learn how to find common ground with people from other backgrounds or cultures.
- Low self-esteem, or expecting to be rejected. If a child approaches others anticipating rejection, they may act defensively without realizing it, which can affect how others respond to them.
- Insufficient social skills. A child may need guidance on how to approach peers, build and maintain friendships, defend boundaries, and navigate conflict.
- Repeating a victim mentality if the child has experienced physical abuse or harsh discipline. Children in this situation may not read body language or boundaries well, and can either become victims or act aggressively themselves.
- A tendency to suppress their own impulses, usually after frequent criticism or negative feedback from adults. Their communication becomes less spontaneous and natural, sometimes making them targets for teasing or ridicule.
As a parent, without solving the problem for your child, you can:
- From early childhood, try not to intrude on your child’s relationships with peers. Let them resolve disputes and choose friends themselves.
- Help your child notice which behaviors may lead to social exclusion. What are they doing that contributes to the situation? What might they do differently? Behaviors such as negativity, aggression, crossing boundaries, provoking others, or being unable to stand up for themselves can result in rejection.
- Guide your child to understand why other children may reject them. The reason might be others’ internal problems: uncertainty, anxiety about newcomers, envy, or prejudiced ideas— or it could be a reaction to your child’s behavior.
- Discuss what steps your child could take to build relationships at school, which relationships are already supportive, and what else could help.
- Share your positive experiences overcoming similar challenges.
- Help your child see their strengths and qualities others can appreciate. Build their confidence with praise, encouragement, and close connection.
- In other words, this message from adults is very healing: “I see you’re having a tough time right now. I accept your feelings. I am here, I love and respect you. We can think together about what to do.” Such support helps children feel accepted rather than rejected, secure instead of frightened, and supported rather than powerless.
- Join the parent committee. Connect regularly with other children’s parents. Help organize events or birthday parties at home.
- Also, discussing your child’s situation with their teacher can be very helpful. The teacher observes children’s relationships throughout the day and may offer valuable insights and solutions.
- How to start and maintain a conversation: approach other kids, ask questions, keep the conversation going.
- How to organize shared activities: play together, have fun, take initiative, and support others’ ideas.
- How to express feelings constructively: don’t suppress emotions, but choose healthy ways to express them. Handle aggression appropriately and choose words that stop bullying and maintain self-respect.
- How to recognize and respect personal boundaries, both their own and others’: physical, psychological (the ability to refuse or accept refusal), and property boundaries.