Top 10 Tactics and Strategies to Deal with a Manipulative Teenage Son or Daughter
The key to successful communication is goodwill and actively listening. However, we do not always get what we want. Often, we try to present our ideas in a way that makes our conversation partner believe they are theirs—even against their will. This is manipulation. Similarly, our children try to impose their desires on us, often copying our behavior. Both teenage boys and girls use the same bargaining tactics. Let’s examine 10 common techniques adolescents use to manipulate and 10 ways to avoid falling for them.- Manipulating with Love. For example, Mary, age 16, insists on buying another dress, which doesn’t fit the family budget. “You don’t love me at all! You don’t want me to look good,” she tells her mother. Loving parents will do anything for their children, but do they need to indulge? Of course not! Teenagers aren’t children anymore, but they are still learning to be adults—parents help in this. Reasonable limits on endless “I want” are essential for growing up. What’s the right reaction here? First, clearly tell your daughter you love her, then explain why you can’t buy the dress. “Dear, we love you very much, but if we buy that dress, we won’t be able to pay the bills this month,” could be Mary’s mother’s answer.
Strategy 1: When faced with emotional manipulation, openly express your love and clearly state your reasons for saying no.
Important! Teenage boys and girls are especially sensitive. Let your son know you understand him. Tell him so. Young men need to feel understood. Young women, too, need to know you love them and acknowledge their feelings—it gives a sense of safety and security. - Manipulation by Tears. Girls often use tears to melt parents’ hearts and get their way.
Strategy 2. To avoid seeming insensitive while standing your ground, rely on your confidence and a calm tone. Always explain your decisions!
Example. Ann, age 13, begs her parents with tears to let her go to a high school party all night. Of course, they say no: “We’ve made our decision.” Their response is out of concern, but they need to explain. “Annie, we know this is important to you. We’ll let you go for a few hours, but Dad will pick you up. You’re too young to spend the night out. There may be alcohol or drugs. We trust you, but not everyone at the party. So, you can go for a few hours or stay in. It’s up to you.” That’s the correct way to explain a decision to your child. - Manipulation through Aggression is common for both girls and boys. If your teen becomes aggressive, gets hysterical, slams doors, or shouts that they hate you for not giving in, what should you do?
Strategy 3. First, stay calm. It’s tough, but necessary. In the heat of the moment, you may say things you’ll regret. Try to “switch off” your emotions. Don’t argue back; it won’t help until your teen has cooled off. When things settle, calmly discuss what happened, without judging.
Example. Nick lost his temper when his father asked him to clean his room. He shouted it was his space and slammed the door. Nick’s father did the right thing—he didn’t yell or force the door. Later, when things calmed down, Nick’s father talked to him, acknowledging that everyone loses their temper sometimes and that the room is Nick’s territory—he can decide when to clean it.
Still, Nick lives in his parents’ home and must respect shared space. If his mess and odor disturb others, he must clean up. - If Earlier Manipulations Fail, a Teen May Threaten to Leave Home. Do not rush to stop or pressure them. They’re both threatening and afraid. If you shout “I won’t let you go!” they win and you may cave in. Let them have a small taste of independent life because they will someday have to leave anyway. Treat it as an exploration of adulthood.
Strategy 4. Tell your child you won’t restrain them by force, but if they decide to return, they’re welcome and loved. If your teen tries to bargain, refuse calmly.
Important! Be friends with your kids. Take a genuine interest in their hobbies. Stay informed about their interests and friends. Invite their friends over. Then you’ll always know where your child might be. It’s wise to know the phone numbers and addresses of close friends. - Another technique is withdrawing and refusing to talk to you.
Strategy 5. Be patient. Even if it’s difficult, don’t give up. Shift attention to your own interests or your spouse. Don’t glare or scold your child. Occasionally, ask if they’re alright. When your teenager sees that silence isn’t working, they’ll open up. Girls often find this protest harder than boys because of their emotional expressiveness. If you have a trusting friendship, the silent period is brief. Boys might stay silent longer and tend to share feelings more with friends than parents.
Advice:
Important! Take our unique Parenting Mentor Test to find out if your maturing child is manipulating you, how they do it, and learn effective strategies. - Bending the Truth or Lying is another manipulation. Teens may lie to avoid rules or trouble. How to prevent this?
Strategy 6. Always show your children that you would rather hear the unpleasant truth and that lying is unacceptable. If your children catch you lying, your authority suffers. You cannot demand from your child what you do not practice yourself—lead by example.
If you find your child lying, stay calm. Don’t yell. Ask why they lied. Explain that lies break trust. Then pick an appropriate (but not cruel) consequence, like extra chores. Be creative, but never humiliate or be harsh. - Threatening Suicide is one of the most serious manipulations parents may face. “I’ll kill myself if you don’t let me drive!” or “If I can’t go to John’s, I’ll end my life”—these are frightening words. Don’t panic right away.
Strategy 7. A key point: those truly intent on suicide usually don’t talk about it. Try to say: “Listen, I love you, but I won’t change my decision. If you do this, we’ll be sad, but life will go on. But you’ll never know what your future could hold, the love you could experience, or the person you could become!” This response often helps teens reflect on the value of life.
Important! Watch for warning signs: if your son stops talking for no reason, or your daughter spends all her time alone listening to sad music, or avoids friends, they may need urgent help. These may signal depression or suicidal thoughts—consult a specialist how to support them.
Never provoke a teen with dismissive phrases like: “You’re too weak!” or “You’re just trying to scare us!” Such statements can spark impulsive, reckless acts! - Blackmail Threats. “I’ll drop out of school!” or “I won’t go to college unless you agree”—classic teenage blackmail. What if they follow through?
Strategy 8. While parents want the best for their children, don’t carry all responsibility for your child’s future. Begin transferring responsibility for choices during adolescence. Teens learn to manage their lives through their own experience. If a teen tries this tactic, calmly explain that these decisions affect only their lives. - Manipulating by Melancholy or Sadness. You may recognize this pattern from your child’s younger years—sadness when you say no. It’s the same with teens, regardless of gender.
Strategy 9. Teens need to understand you keep your word. Even if you feel sorry for them, don’t change your limits or consequences. Explain your reasons.
Example. Henry, age 14, argued with his mom and lost computer game privileges for a week. He kept arguing and earned longer punishment—a month. Three days later, he begged for the rules to change. His mom said, “I’m sorry you feel this way. I warned you. You’re punished for 27 more days, and it’s not negotiable.” - Turning Parents Against Each Other by Comparison. Teens often compare: “Mom never limits my curfew, but you do,” or “Dad always gives me more allowance.” This can spark parental conflict. What should you do?
Strategy 10. Parents should be united on parenting decisions. Don’t argue about parenting in front of the kids, especially about discipline.
Finally, tell your teen these are your decisions as a team. If they disagree, know both parents will stand firm together.