Toxic Mother-Son or Mother-Daughter Relationships: How to Build Loving Bonds with Your Child?
All problems stem from childhood experiences. Building a healthy relationship with your child is no simple task. In childhood, a person forms their view of adulthood and observes behavioral models presented by society. The mother's role in shaping her child's psyche is extremely important. The mother instills the idea of love in her child's consciousness. But everyone has flaws. If a mother learned negative behavioral patterns in her own childhood, this can certainly impact her relationship with her children. A mother who endured aggression from her parents as a child may unintentionally pass on her negative experiences to her own children.For example, a woman who experienced pressure and aggression from her parents may appear emotionally stable outwardly but may still react impulsively and lash out at her child when disobeyed.
How do children react when they are negatively influenced by their mothers? There are several behavioral responses:
- The first response: The child feels insecure, guilty towards the mother, and tries to earn her love.
- The second response: The child suppresses their own desires to please the mother, which leads to internal aggression or submission.
- The third response: The child shows active aggression, confronts the mother, behaves defiantly, or ignores her.
Advice:
If you notice sudden changes in your child's behavior and want to better understand the situation, take our psychological test Parenting Mentor Test. The test results can help you analyze the issues in your relationship with your child and clarify whether your own actions may be contributing to the problem.
Let us look more closely at the types of toxic relationships between mothers and children:
Total Control
How does it manifest? The mother seeks to control every aspect of the child's life—violating personal boundaries, making decisions without listening to the child, monitoring the child's phone, making constant calls to check their location and activities, being constantly involved in all aspects of the child's life, sometimes resorting to emotional blackmail.
Cause: Overprotectiveness often comes from the mother's fears and insecurities. She may subconsciously fear being left alone once her children grow up. The real issue lies deep in her subconscious—she seeks love and validation.
Consequences for the child: What are the dangers of constant control? Children subjected to strict and intrusive oversight often lose the ability and desire to think and act independently. They become afraid to make independent choices, fearing their mother's disapproval. Mothers who use this pattern often justify it as protectiveness, claiming they are safeguarding their children from the dangers of the world.
How to fix it: Trust your child. Respect their opinions. Accept that your child is an independent person with their own potential and perspective. Make time for yourself as well as for them—pursue a hobby or interests of your own.
Neglect
Manifestation: Ignoring your child's desires destroys their self-esteem. Overly criticizing your child's actions is unacceptable. Remember, your child is still learning and growing, and making mistakes is a necessary part of that process.
Cause: Emotional coldness, immaturity, selfishness, or depression in the mother can lead to neglect.
Effects: Diminishing a child's achievements causes them to lose self-confidence. The child may strive to excel in everything just to earn their mother's approval and love, leading to serious psychological challenges later in life, and a constant need to win others' affection.
What to do? Show interest in your child's life. Encourage their curiosity and efforts to try new things. Praise their small achievements and listen attentively.
Emotional Coldness
How does it manifest? The mother distances herself, avoids physical affection, and fails to show love. Tactile contact is minimal or absent. Cause: Different reasons can cause emotional coldness—from an unwanted pregnancy, resentment towards the child's father that is projected onto the child, a lack of maternal instincts, or possibly repeating patterns learned from the mother's own upbringing.
- The child is unwanted
- Resentment towards the child's father, projected onto the child
- Lack of natural maternal instinct
- Inability to love, possibly repeating the behavior of a cold mother figure
What to do? First, try to understand the root cause of your emotional distance. Reflect honestly through your child's eyes. Do you show enough love? In the pursuit of providing materially, have you neglected to spend quality time and truly connect?
Fusion (Union)
How does it manifest? The mother loses herself in her child's life, taking their successes and accomplishments as her own. A common example is when parents choose their child's profession or hobbies, trying to fulfill their own unmet dreams through the child.
Cause: The usual reason is lack of personal life—a job, hobbies, relationships, or unfulfilled ambitions.
Consequences: Such children remain emotionally immature, unable to make decisions since their mothers decide for them. Often, these children grow into adults who are hesitant to start their own families or careers and remain dependent on their mothers.
What to do? Separate your life from your child's. For your child to grow into a happy, well-adjusted person, let them make choices based on their own desires—not your dreams. For example, just because you dreamed of becoming an actress doesn't mean your daughter does. Respect your child's individuality and talk openly to understand their unique personality.
Unmotivated Aggression
How does it manifest?
A mother's aggression may be verbal or physical—shouting, criticism, physical punishment, or making the child feel guilty, shamed, or humiliated.
Cause: This may stem from hidden envy, subconscious competition with the child, or simply a lack of knowledge of healthier relationship models. Some mothers believe that only by harshness can they raise their children.
Consequences: Constant criticism and physical discipline lead the child to either withdraw emotionally or become openly defiant.
What to do? Try to establish a dialogue with your child. Adult aggression signals emotional immaturity. Instead of criticism and insults, try to help your child solve problems and be their friend, not their judge. Allow them to make mistakes, and learn to forgive—yourself as well.
Unstable Relationships
How does it manifest? The child never knows how the mother will respond—one day she is warm and caring, the next day angry or aggressive.
Cause: Emotional instability and lack of self-confidence in the mother.
What are the dangers? Children in unstable relationships don't learn what healthy relationships look like, and become confused about right and wrong. They lose trust not only in their mother, but in the world at large.
What to do? Control your behavior, remembering that you are the example your child will follow. Keep your promises, remain consistent, and be a reliable friend and support to your child.
Narcissism
Manifestation: Narcissistic mothers see their children as extensions of themselves, not as independent individuals. This dynamic occurs especially in families of high-profile or famous individuals, where the family appears perfect from the outside but lacks real respect or emotional connection.
Reason: Rooted in selfishness and self-absorption, the mother's subconscious may harbor deep-seated insecurities or an inferiority complex, leading to the need for approval from others.
Consequences:
Deprived of real attention, children struggle to find ways to get noticed—sometimes leading to problematic behaviors such as substance abuse or criminal activity. This often stems from desperation to get their parents' attention.
What to do? Prioritize your child over your own interests. Care for them, get involved in their life, listen to them, and spend more time together. Material things can never replace parental love.
Infantile Mother
Manifestation: Sometimes, roles are reversed—children become caretakers while the mother acts immaturely. This often happens in large families, where the eldest daughter or son takes on a parental role for siblings and even for their own parents. Substance-abusing parents may also act as children, forcing their kids to behave as adults.
Cause: Unwillingness to accept adult responsibilities. This might be due to personal trauma, or an inability to grow up mentally and emotionally.
Consequences: Children who are forced to take on adult roles feel deprived of their childhood and often struggle with this loss later in life.
What to do? Changing an immature nature is difficult, but if you want to raise a happy child, you must first grow up yourself. Learn to make independent decisions and accept that the responsibility for your own life belongs to you alone.