What should and what should not parents do when they divorce

What Parents Should and Should Not Do When They Divorce

• Talk to your child openly and often. Answer their questions honestly, but remember that they are still a child and cannot understand all the complexities of adult relationships. It's crucial for them to understand that while parents are separating from each other, they are not leaving their child. Both parents continue to love and want to spend time with them.
• After the separation, introduce new positive experiences into your child's life: take a trip, enroll them in a hobby group they've wanted to join, or get a pet they have wished for. A pet, especially one your child will care for, can help fill the gap of parental attention often felt by children of divorced parents. 
• Encourage and support your child's connection with a close person who isn't involved in the conflict. This could be a grandparent from either side. Ask them not to speak negatively about the situation or about each parent. The child needs comfort and reassurance that their pain and confusion will pass, that things will get better, and that they have the strength to get through this. Their family may look different now, but that's okay. 
• Maintain and adjust your child’s routine. Stability is important for children of any age. Divorce is a time of vulnerability and anxiety about the future. The more stable your child's life remains, the better. Avoid changing your place of residence, school, or daycare if possible. If your family had traditions, such as Friday night dinners or feeding pigeons on Saturday mornings, try to keep them going. 
• Help your child feel relaxed and secure by agreeing on “three old” and “three new things.” After discussing with your co-parent, present the ideas to your child: with each parent, continue doing three activities they enjoyed before. For example, making pancakes on weekends, reading bedtime stories, or going to the theater with mom; going to the circus, car wash, or playing with Lego sets with dad. Be realistic about what can be maintained. Broken promises undermine your child’s trust.
  
  Then, create three new enjoyable routines with each parent. For example, walking the dog or sorting out old toys for charity with mom; going to dad's workplace sometimes, playing basketball, or fishing together with dad.
• Fairy tale therapy helps younger children process the situation. Tell a story about a family of hares or cats, where the parents decide they can’t live together anymore and move to separate homes. At first, the child-hare is frightened and thinks it's his fault, but a wise old owl reassures him that is not the case and explains that now he has two homes with loving parents.
  
  Don’t make the story too sweet. Allow the character to feel fear, sadness, and guilt. Give your child a chance to talk about their feelings indirectly through the story. Even if your child seems calm, mention different emotions and watch their reactions to understand what they might be feeling. Stay close, comfort them, and reassure: “The little hare managed, and so will you.”
• Art therapy can greatly help children. Drawing, sculpting, or crafting offers a safe outlet to express stress, fear, and anxiety through creative activities.
• Involve positive male role models. Spend time with extended family, invite friends, and introduce your child to positive adult men, such as through extracurricular activities led by a male teacher. This can help counter negative assumptions about men and is beneficial for both boys and girls.
• Forming a new two-parent family. If the father has left, a mother forming a stable, reliable new partnership sooner rather than later is often beneficial for everyone.

• Do not speak negatively about the other parent, no matter how difficult it is for you. Avoid calling them “betrayer” or saying “he/she left us.” Instead, say things like, “People are different,” or “Your father/mother is this kind of person,” or “Living together was unhealthy for me, so we decided to separate.”
• Do not prevent communication with the other parent. The child should maintain a relationship with both parents, except in cases where the other parent poses a real danger or is incapacitated by addiction or mental illness.
• Do not involve your child in your adult problems. Even older teenagers should not be drawn into parental conflicts. Don’t ask them to take sides or how they would react in your place.
• Do not have heated arguments or dramatic scenes with your ex-spouse in front of your child. This can make your child believe that aggression is the way to resolve conflicts, possibly leading to aggressive behavior in the future.
• Do not force your child to take sides. Though you may feel reassured if your child says supportive things, remember they should not bear the weight of adult loyalties. For your ex-spouse, you may now be strangers, but to your child, you are both primary caregivers. Forcing your child to reject one parent means rejecting a part of themselves, which creates emotional distress.
• Do not try to “win” your child with gifts or material advantages, especially if this did not happen before. Instead, spend quality time with them doing the things they enjoy or simply talking together.
• Do not overindulge or overprotect your child. Don’t relax expectations about discipline, school attendance, or extracurricular involvement. Structure and routine help your child feel secure.