What Skills Make a Parent an Effective Parent
Every parent dreams of being an ideal role model, proudly sharing stories about their well-behaved children and earning the admiration of others. When a child is well brought up, people around them become interested in the upbringing methods the parents use. The method may be the same, but the outcomes can vary greatly. Therefore, in addition to following a parenting system, parents must also possess certain vital skills.What skills should an effective parent have?
The ability to listen
This is one of the most important skills: parents should not only listen, but truly hear their children. It's essential to always keep your eyes and ears open. This doesn't mean monitoring every step a child takes, but often a child's remarks can reveal a glimpse into their inner world or hint at their problems. Listen to your child at every age—this helps you stay aware of what's happening in their life.
Example: One day, a mother walking past her five-year-old daughter's room overheard her playing with a teddy bear:
- Now Teddy, I will feed you porridge with milk.
"Teddy answers": - I will not eat this porridge, it is not tasty!
- No, you must eat! If you don't eat this porridge, then dad will punish you, and mom will yell!
Conclusion:
By overhearing this conversation, you might understand:
• That your child does not enjoy the food you provide.
• That your daughter may be afraid of her father.
• That you often raise your voice, perhaps unnecessarily.
These insights can help you improve your parenting. For example, try offering different foods, remain calm instead of raising your voice over small issues, and help your daughter feel comfortable around her father.
The ability to stay silent
This is one of the most valuable and challenging skills. Sometimes parents accidentally discover something compromising (like cigarettes, someone else's belongings, or private diaries) among their child's things. The wisest parents understand that making a scene isn't the answer. When a child is caught doing something forbidden, they may suspect their parents of invading their privacy, which damages trust. A wise parent waits for the right moment to discuss the matter casually. This is especially important in raising adolescents—a teen who feels betrayed may simply close off.
Patience and the ability to wait are crucial. Creative parents can set up opportunities for discussion, such as watching a relevant film together, and then gently steering the conversation to express their opinion and hear the child's thoughts.
Example: A father enters his 15-year-old son Jack's room to call him for dinner and accidentally sees a message on his computer screen:
- When we get to the party, we’ll need to go crazy. You know where to buy ... and you know what ...
Conclusion:
• The son is planning to go to a party the parents know nothing about.
• He intends to acquire something prohibited: alcohol, drugs, condoms, or something similar.
Naturally, this is concerning, especially since you suspect something forbidden is involved. If you confront your teenager angrily and demand confessions about what they plan to do, you’ll only receive hostility. Instead, you could bring up the topic of forbidden substances at parties while doing something together, such as watching TV, or by sharing a story about "the son of a friend who did something questionable."
Ask for your son’s opinion about how parents should handle such situations and have an open, equal discussion. You may not be able to stop your teen from making mistakes, but showing your love and concern—while sharing your values—can give them something to consider and may lead them to make better choices.
Parents cannot always shield their children from negative influences or peer pressure, but effective parents can steadily instill good values and help their children become worthy, responsible people.
Advice:
Take our unique Parenting Mentor Test to discover which parenting skills you could strengthen. The results will reveal valuable insights that you can use to improve how you educate and support your child.
Understanding
Understanding is also essential—being able to put yourself in your child’s place and see the world through their eyes. This dramatically increases your effectiveness as a parent, because your child will know you truly understand their feelings. Parental understanding builds the deepest trust—a child knows their parents won’t condemn them even if they do something wrong.
Understanding is also essential—being able to put yourself in your child’s place and see the world through their eyes. This dramatically increases your effectiveness as a parent, because your child will know you truly understand their feelings. Parental understanding builds the deepest trust—a child knows their parents won’t condemn them even if they do something wrong.
Example: Stanley and Elena have a 13-year-old daughter, Sonya. She is having problems with a teacher at school, leading to declining grades. If her parents are understanding, she’ll feel safe sharing what happened. Maybe the teacher unintentionally hurt Sonya’s feelings.
The best approach is to understand the whole situation before judging. Stanley visits the school and speaks with the teacher, learning more about the situation. Even if Sonya was at fault (by responding rudely or not doing her homework), her parents should listen to her perspective. In any case, parents should try to understand the root of the conflict and help their child resolve it, guiding her towards a positive solution. Ineffective parents might punish poor grades or mistakes right away, escalating the conflict instead of helping their child grow.
Important! The main goal is to understand the situation thoroughly using empathy—then decide what actions to take. If a child truly did something wrong and isn’t held accountable, they may try to manipulate you in the future.
Creative approach to discipline
This is a rare, but vital skill for raising children. Once you've understood the situation and determined that discipline is necessary, think carefully about how to proceed. Don’t use physical punishment or deprive your child of something important to them when you’re angry; these aren’t productive solutions. Instead, devise consequences that are fair and teach the child something positive, rather than making them resentful. The most effective consequences are those that help a child acquire new skills by overcoming challenges.
Example: Kevin, a 14-year-old, is raised by his mother Nadine. He’s generally a good student and helps at home, but doesn’t consistently put things back or clean up after himself. Nadine knows these bad habits could cause problems in his future, so she creates a plan using positive reinforcement.
She proposes a new arrangement:
- Kevin, do you have a dream you’d like to save money for?
- Yes!
- Do you want to earn it? Instead of calling a cleaning service, I’ll pay you $35 for one big cleaning each week and another $15 for keeping everything tidy all week.
Kevin is happy with this idea. Nadine gives him detailed, step-by-step instructions for cleaning the house. With her guidance, Kevin completes his chores and is pleased with the results. Parents can adjust the amounts based on their budget, but the reward should be significant in the child's mind and reasonable for the family. Sometimes, you can even write up a contract and put it on the fridge.
Conclusion:
Kevin develops a habit of cleaning and enjoys it because he’s financially motivated and remembers his goals. He learns to manage money and expenses, and the home becomes more organized and pleasant.
Important! Be careful with rewards. Children should earn money through real effort, and Nadine’s method works because Kevin is treated like a cleaning service, with the same expectations and payments upon good performance—not as a favor for being her son.