Why Are Children Afraid of Their Parents?
Often, psychotherapists encounter parents who wonder why their child is afraid of them. A family may appear perfectly happy, with parents striving to provide the best for their children, yet the child may be on the verge of becoming anxious or withdrawn. This article explains why your son or daughter might feel fear toward you.Communication with your child often becomes strained in families that follow authoritarian parenting practices. Parents may believe they are acting with good intentions, aiming to give their child the 'right' upbringing. However, when parenting is dominated by strictness and discipline, a child can lose their sense of being loved.
Democratic parenting is best for a child's healthy development. Democracy is not the same as anarchy. Many parents worry that giving their child choices will make them disobedient. In reality, the opposite is true: a democratic family has clear rules and responsibilities, but also values the child's opinions.
Advice:
If you have noticed your child is afraid of you, consider taking the Parenting Mentor Test. It will help you identify the reasons for their fear. The test results will show you ways to build a trusting and loving relationship with your child.
Here are the main reasons why children fear their parents.
The child may be punished for even minor misbehavior, or sometimes simply for not meeting their parents' expectations. Punishments can be both verbal and physical.
Examples:
- Annie lost her teddy bear while playing with other kids. She's not crying because she's sad about the toy, but because she fears her parents will punish her for not taking care of her things.
- Andrew is upset after failing a test he tried hard at. He is afraid of being punished because his parents have set very high expectations for him.
The child becomes so afraid of making mistakes and losing their parents' approval that this fear can paralyze them. Every decision is measured against what their parents might think. This can result in a child who is afraid to make independent choices. The child may begin lying to avoid punishment, replacing trust-based relationships with ones built on secrecy and dishonesty. Driven by fear, the child may become skilled at hiding the truth.
Solutions:
Everyone has the right to make mistakes. Criticism should be balanced with praise. Many parents believe their child shouldn't be praised for doing what is expected. This misconception can sap a child's motivation and confidence. When they fear failing, children avoid trying. Encourage their efforts and celebrate achievements. Remind them you love them and are proud of them.
Threat of the other parent’s reaction
Children naturally fear whoever punishes them. In some families, one parent is made into the “bad guy.” When a child misbehaves, they're told: “Mom/Dad is going to be so mad!”
Example:
Julie breaks her phone and tells her mom. Mom says: “When dad comes home, you're going to get it.” This happens repeatedly, with dad always being the punishing parent. The child gradually becomes fearful of that parent.
Consequences:
The child may start to believe that authority and strength justify control. As they grow older, they might have trouble standing up to stronger personalities, preferring to follow others' opinions instead of developing their own.
Solutions:
If you use threats of another parent's anger, it may mean you feel unable to set boundaries or command respect yourself. Work on earning your child's respect and making your own authority matter without relying on fear or another's intervention.
Threat of not being loved as before
Sometimes, parents tell their child they won't love them anymore if they misbehave.
Example:
Johnny draws on the wall. His mom says: “If you draw on the wall with markers again, I will stop loving you.”
Consequences:
Even if parents don't mean it, children tend to take such words literally. The fear of losing a parent's love can be deeply distressing, increasing anxiety and lowering self-esteem. Over time, the child might grow into an adult who feels unworthy of love or constantly tries to prove they deserve affection.
Solutions:
Never imply your child could lose your love when correcting their behavior. Instead, make it clear you love them unconditionally. It's their behavior that deserves disapproval, not their worth as a person.
Fear of disappointing parents or losing possessions
In some families, material concerns are emphasized over emotional ones. Children are reminded how much parents have invested in them, which may make them feel pressured to justify those expenses.
Example:
A girl loses in a dance contest. Her parents remind her how much was spent on lessons and costumes. Already disappointed, she now feels even worse for not meeting their expectations.
Consequences:
The child’s self-esteem may suffer, making future success difficult.
Solutions:
Support your child and take an interest in their life. Material things matter, but your child's emotional security is far more important.