Why does my teenager hate me? Is it common for teens to hate their parents?
Many families encounter challenges with the behavior of their growing children. Parents often struggle to accept that their little one is becoming an adult. The journey to maturity is difficult. A kind, responsive child can become withdrawn and resentful as a teenager. What does this depend on? When does this transformation start? The answer is different for everyone. “My teenage son/daughter hates me!”—Nearly every parent of a teen says this at least once.Advice:
Do all teens clash with their parents? What is the root of these strong emotions, and is it really hatred? We’ll discuss this in our article. If you’re having trouble communicating with your teenager, we suggest you take our Parenting Mentor Test, developed by leading psychologists specializing in parent-child relationships. The test results will help you identify the real cause of communication problems with your teen.
All parents face challenges in communicating with teenagers. Only the severity of the problem varies. But regardless of how a teen is raised or what values are instilled, one thing stays the same—teens want to prove they’re already adults.
Parents’ reluctance to accept their child’s maturity is a main cause of conflict.
Additionally, teens begin to evaluate their parents as individuals. A child’s love is unconditional—but a teen seeks reasons to love and respect their parents. Teenagers look at their parents from an adult’s perspective.
Parents are, first and foremost, people—meaning they have flaws. Maybe their appearance isn’t ideal, their income isn’t high, or their job isn’t prestigious. The teenager judges their parents, and their criticism can deeply hurt. Teens don’t yet realize the effort it takes to achieve things in life. They may think parents simply didn’t try hard enough. They compare their social status to their friends’ and don’t always come out on top. Teens often struggle to forgive their parents’ mistakes.
If parents haven't established authority and respect during childhood, adolescence can be especially challenging. Be prepared for frequent clashes.
Let’s look at the main sources of conflict between parents and teens—and possible solutions.
“My daughter/son doesn’t listen to me”
One of the most common problems is difficulty establishing a real dialogue with teenagers. Parents often complain communication is one-sided—they feel like they’re talking to a wall. Teens may ignore their parents, answer in monosyllables, or leave the room. This signals they’re shutting parents out.
This behavior often means it's time to rethink how you communicate. Maybe you still talk to your teen like they’re a small child. Teens hate that. Or maybe your communication is mainly demands: “You need to take out the trash,” “You must clean your room,” “You need to study hard,” and so on. Remember, teens think differently. They don’t believe they owe you anything—and often feel they know best what they need.
How can you change this pattern and get your teen to listen?
- First: Stop speaking in ultimatums or a loud voice. Instead, lower your tone. Don’t demand—negotiate. Speak respectfully, the way you want your teen to speak to you.
- Second: Don’t give them a long list of tasks at once. Ask for one thing at a time. When overwhelmed by too many demands, teens may do nothing at all.
- Third: Be a good listener. Set an example—listen to your spouse, relatives, friends, and your child.
- Keep it brief. Communicate clearly and to the point. Before speaking, get your teen’s attention—then begin.
It’s classic—every generation thinks the previous one doesn’t understand life. Conflict often arises when parents don’t allow their teenager enough independence. Limiting choices only invites rebellion. For example, fighting over clothes, music, or hairstyles. Teens are discovering themselves and experimenting. The conflict is rooted in parents' rigid views and strict upbringing.
What can you do in such situations?
Don’t be overly critical—discuss your teen’s choices like a friend. Remember your own youth; you wanted to express yourself, too. Another common mistake: embarrassing your child in front of their peers. Never make your child feel small or weak around their friends—instead, show that you respect them. If you disapprove of their behavior, don’t criticize them in public. Talk privately and calmly explain your concerns.
Rudeness and disrespect
Teens may speak disrespectfully for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s the result of leniency during childhood, when bad behavior was ignored. If your parental authority wasn’t established early, things become harder in adolescence.
Another cause of rudeness is parents’ own disrespectful behavior. If you make negative comments about your own parents in front of your child, you model the wrong behavior.
How to handle disrespect?
The best strategy is often to ignore provocations. Responding to rudeness only escalates conflict. However, you don’t have to tolerate disrespect: if your teen is rude, don’t speak to them until they’re respectful. If they continue to ignore you, reciprocate—don’t do things for them that they ask, just as they ignore your requests. Tell them directly that you’ll treat them as they treat you. Eventually, most teens realize communication must change.
Lies
Everyone lies sometimes, even adults in trivial ways—which sets an example children notice. As kids grow older, they keep more secrets and sometimes lie about small things. Why does it happen, and what can you do?
Lying often stems from fear: fear of disappointing you or of your reaction. Build relationships on trust—your teen should feel safe coming to you with mistakes, knowing you’ll offer advice, not just punishment.
Teach teens not to lie. Show what happens when trust breaks down on both sides. Never let big lies go unaddressed. Criticize the behavior, not your child as a person. Emphasize that lies eventually come to light.