Why Doesn’t My 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7-Year-Old Listen to Me?
All parents have to deal with disobedience from their children. These challenges are especially common during key periods of growth and development, but the need for your child’s cooperation remains just as important.Consider which of the following you do. These habits may hold the key to understanding your child’s misbehavior.
- Using “NOT” in Requests
Research shows that even adults can struggle to register the word “not” in instructions—children find it even harder.
What to do?
Use positive, affirmative requests. For example, instead of saying, “Do not jump in the house, you’re making noise!” try: “Let’s go outside and jump there so we don’t disturb Dad while he’s working.” - Expecting an Immediate Response
Parents often expect children to respond right away, interpreting any delay as defiance.
Experts have shown that children’s brains need a few moments to process an adult’s request. So, your child may not be able to comply instantly.
What to do?
Give your child advance warning. Let them know that playtime will end in 5–10 minutes, or specify how many more times they can go down the slide before heading home. - Talking “Down” to Children
Imagine trying to communicate with someone standing high above you—would you hear or trust them easily? Children often receive instructions from adults towering over them, which can feel threatening and make it hard to trust or understand what is being asked. - What to do?
Get down to your child’s eye level
To ensure your words are heard, lower yourself to your child’s level. Squat or sit on the floor next to them, and gently touch their shoulder before speaking. This gets their attention and increases the chances that your request will be understood.
Advice:
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- Raising Your Voice
Yelling may bring quick results, but it teaches children to obey out of fear. Fear damages your relationship and can prevent children from understanding what you want. If yelling becomes a habit, it may lose its effect and escalate into more severe reactions or even physical punishment.
What to do?
If you feel yourself about to yell, stop. Avoid traumatizing your child. Instead, take three deep breaths and count down from 10 to 0, or step into another room to calm down. Don’t feel “defeated” for not yelling—see it as a win for managing your emotions. - Listening Inattentively
Children learn communication by watching adults. If you listen inattentively, dismiss, or brush off your child, they may respond similarly to your requests over time.
What to do?
Listen! Take your child’s requests and emotions seriously. A parent is the first person a child wants to share their joys and worries with.
Sometimes, just 15 to 30 minutes of quality attention is enough for your child. As soon as you reunite, dedicate time to your child (for example, after work) to learn about their day and play together. Activities like puzzles or word games are ideal. This attention helps your child feel valued—and they’ll be less likely to act out for attention afterward. - Using Sarcasm or Ambiguity
Children take things literally and often don’t understand sarcasm. They only pick up on negative tones and may think you’re trying to hurt their feelings.
What to do?
Be clear and direct with your requests. Avoid hints or sarcastic comments such as, “Maybe you want to get sick by going outside without a hat,” or, “Go ahead, walk through puddles—your feet will get wet.” Instead, state plainly what you want your child to do.