How to Discipline a Child: The Difference Between Child Abuse, Discipline, and Punishment
Parents often judge themselves as good or bad based on their child's behavior. It’s commonly believed that a good parent has a well-disciplined, obedient child. However, the desire for obedience doesn’t always lead to the intended result. Sometimes, in pursuing obedience, parents confuse discipline, punishment, and violence, leading to further mistakes in raising their beloved child.Discipline is characterized by these concepts:
- Respect for the child
Consider how you behave toward your boss, coworkers, friends, and your child. Is it possible that you use disrespectful words or actions with your child that you would never use with your friends? For example, saying: “You’re all thumbs! Why are you so slow?” or “Why are you so dirty again, like a pig?” Raising your voice, pushing, or kicking are also examples. Anything unacceptable toward those you respect should not be allowed toward your child. - Non-abuse of power
A thoughtful parent doesn't focus on punishing. They don't look for reasons to punish or nag the child. They don't enjoy punishing, nor do they see their main task as suppressing the child’s will or “breaking the child’s character.” - Positive support
Parents can achieve a lot with praise. Children naturally want to please their parents. When “rewarding” your child with praise, make sure the focus remains on the positive act itself. Avoid rewarding with food, including sweets, or by removing their regular responsibilities. For example, if your child washes the dishes after dinner, don't remove this obligation as a reward for a good grade. - Goodwill and sense of humor
You can respond positively, even to repeated mischief. Not everything requires a harsh “you must not.” For example, if a one-year-old tries to take their grandmother’s glasses, calmly say, “You can’t take the glasses,” gently move the child’s hand away, and say, “If you take the glasses, I’ll have to tickle you!” In most cases, this is enough. - Taking initiative
Adults have the advantage of being able to predict and prevent situations. A parent knows when their child needs to eat, go to the toilet, rest, or may be getting tired, and can act accordingly. This awareness helps avoid unnecessary conflicts born of fatigue. To interact effectively with your child, consult professional information sources about child development and consider the consequences of your actions.
Advice:
If you’re unsure about your parenting methods, take our psychological Parenting Mentor Test. After answering, you’ll receive insight into your strengths and weaknesses as a parent, as well as an understanding of your child’s personality. Our advice will help you find the “middle ground” between positive support and punishment. - Confidence as a parent
A parent’s uncertainty negatively impacts a child. If parents can’t maintain a consistent approach, the child will initially feel insecure and anxious, and may eventually try to manipulate adults.
Here’s how it looks in practice:
- Explain to your child what behavior you expect, and why. For example, tell them they shouldn’t make noise in the theater so everyone can enjoy the performance.
- Listen to their viewpoint. A child might say it’s hard to sit still for long, dislikes the darkness, or feels bored.
- Find a compromise. For example, agree to take a break if your child wants to stretch, or leave the performance if they’re truly not enjoying it.
Types of punishment:
Deprivation (cartoons, bedtime stories, time with friends, sweets, etc.). Taking away something enjoyable can be an acceptable form of punishment—but only if the child knows in advance that misbehavior leads to this, and understands why certain actions are wrong. Parents should clearly explain what is not acceptable and why.
Time out (“corner” or sitting on a chair): Parents should consider the child’s temperament and set appropriate time limits. For example, a quiet child may sit still longer than an active one. Asking the child to think about how to fix their mistake during time out can make the punishment more constructive.
Parental boycott: This is one of the most serious punishments. Ignoring a child (“I don’t notice you”) is often perceived as “I don’t love you.” Use this very sparingly—a few minutes, depending on age, is sufficient.
Physical punishment: This is the most controversial and is not a demonstration of respect; it can cause emotional harm. There is a risk of crossing the line in anger and injuring the child. Physical punishment is a form of violence. If you find yourself resorting to it, seek the underlying cause and address it. Remember: as an adult, you have many tools for teaching—use them instead.
When does punishment work effectively?
- You explain your feelings: “I get worried/scared when you run across the road/touch sockets/climb unstable furniture.”
- You show displeasure with your expression or make a firm comment; when your relationship is based on warmth and trust, even a disapproving look tells the child their behavior is wrong.
- If punishing for aggression, show sympathy toward the “victim,” whether another child or a toy.
- Use indirect condemnation. For younger children (under 3), talk to a toy (“Bear, it’s not okay to pour tea on the floor”). For older children, tell a story where the main character behaves as the child did and faces the consequences.
- The child is punished in advance. For example, scolding for being interested in candy before they actually take it. Punishing in anticipation only creates fear and may lead the child to do things they never thought of before.
- If the presumption of innocence is ignored—if the child is punished without proof or reason. This teaches children only to not get caught, and damages trust.
- There is no reduction or cancellation of punishment after the child apologizes. Encourage honesty and making amends, and whenever possible, allow the child to correct their mistake instead of simply punishing.
- Physical or psychological harm is inflicted. Never aim to shame or traumatize your child. Don’t discuss your child’s mistakes with others or shame them in public.
- The child is unaware of the possible consequences of their actions but is still punished. This harms your relationship and confuses the child.
- Punishment is inconsistent for the same behavior. This creates confusion and insecurity in your child’s world.
Advice:
Take our unique Parenting Mentor Test to receive expert feedback on your parent-child relationship. Get a detailed look at your family’s situation, tailored to your personality. After the test, our tips can help you build mutual understanding and harmony with your child.