How can parents encourage children to obey? What should parents do and avoid?
Rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) are essential in every child's life. This information is especially valuable for parents who try to upset their children as little as possible and avoid conflict. When this happens, parents may end up letting their children lead them.Here’s an important “secret” that may surprise some parents. Not every parent knows this, but teachers universally agree that children not only need order and rules, but also want and expect them! Clear boundaries make life understandable and predictable for children, giving them a sense of security. There are several key principles to help establish and maintain discipline in the family—a set of rules about making rules.
- Rule One
Every child needs rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) in their life. Formulating rules may seem complicated, but it is crucial for your child’s development into a responsible and self-disciplined person. - Rule Two
There shouldn't be too many rules, and they should be flexible. Strive for a healthy balance between permissiveness and authoritarian parenting. - Rule Three
Parental requirements should not contradict the child’s most important needs. - Rule Four
Adults should agree on rules among themselves. Picture a situation where mom says one thing, dad says another, and grandma something else. Even if you disagree with another parent’s rule, it is better to discuss your differences privately rather than in front of the child, aiming to find common ground. - Rule Five
Requirements or prohibitions should be expressed in a friendly and explanatory tone, not as commands. Any restriction is tough for a child, and if delivered angrily or harshly, it becomes even harder. Instead of answering “Why not?” with “Because I said so” or “It’s not allowed, that’s all!”, use neutral explanations like: “It’s too late”, “It’s dangerous”, or “It might break”.
- Children are playing with enthusiasm
Mother: Enough. You need to stop playing. (command)
Son: Why? Why do we have to stop?
Mother: You know why: it’s time for bed. (command)
Daughter: Why is it bedtime?
Mother: It just is! No arguments! (command)
The children become upset and angry. - The conversation goes better from the start
Mother: Guys, it’s time to finish up now. (neutral tone)
Son: Why? Why do we have to stop?
Mother: It’s bedtime. (neutral tone)
Daughter: Why is it bedtime?
Mother: I see the game is fun, and it’s hard to stop.
Daughter: Yes! We just need two more moves!
Mother: Okay, two more moves isn’t too much.
Children: Yes! We’ll clean up without your help after!
Advice:
Set rules and discuss them with your child. Take our Parenting Mentor Test, which can help you navigate disagreements or conflicts. This will make it more likely for your child to follow family rules.
Consistency in following rules is also key. If your child stays up until midnight instead of 10 p.m. two nights in a row, it will be hard to get them back on schedule the third night—they’ll reasonably object, saying you “allowed it” before.
There’s another challenge linked to the third rule. For teenagers, social interaction becomes extremely important. Spending time with peers and gaining their approval can take precedence over parental authority. As a result, enforcing prohibitions like “don’t be friends with”, “don’t hang out”, “don’t wear”, or “don’t participate” requires caution. Parents must ensure these rules are not seen as threats to their child’s social status. For a teenager, the greatest fear is becoming an outsider or being ridiculed. Given the choice, teens will often choose peer approval over parental restrictions.
Sometimes, extraordinary patience, tolerance, and even a philosophical approach are needed. This will help you accept teenage fads, unfamiliar slang, and music you don’t understand. Approach things like ripped jeans or questionable hobbies with humor.
Remember, children constantly test boundaries and will only accept rules that hold firm. Otherwise, they learn to persist, whine, and manipulate.
At first, parents help their children learn self-control, restraint, and caution by setting family rules. Gradually, as children become accustomed to these rules, they follow them naturally and without resistance. This happens only if there haven’t been ongoing conflicts over the rules.
Therefore, helping your child accept boundaries without conflict is especially important. In each case, calmly (but briefly!) explain the reason for your requirement.