My Child Is Shy: How to Help Shy Kids Adapt at School
For many children, school is not just a place of learning but also a crucial environment for life experience. Besides acquiring knowledge, children engage in various levels of communication at school. This includes interacting with classmates, talking to younger and older students during breaks, and communicating with teachers and the principal, who not only hold authority but also evaluate students. The key issue here is that teachers assess children. This can be particularly challenging for shy kids, who often go unnoticed because they are too embarrassed to fully demonstrate their knowledge and abilities.Common Signs of Children’s Shyness at School:
- Shy children are often melancholic or phlegmatic by temperament.
- They are more likely to remain silent than to speak. Shy kids tend to have rich inner dialogues, mentally replaying situations where they didn't speak up to find better responses for the future. Yet, even when similar situations arise, they rarely express their well-thought-out answers, lacking the courage to do so.
- When required to answer before an audience, they experience severe stress, forget what they learned, blush, or speak too softly and unclearly.
- They are often sensitive and may take criticism as a personal insult.
- They find it hard to control their emotions. When upset or dissatisfied with themselves, they may cry out of frustration (which can further affect their reputation at school).
Shyness often develops as early as age two, when a child hides behind parents and fears speaking to strangers.
Common Reasons Children Become Shy:
- Type of temperament.
- Lack of parental affection or physical warmth at an early age.
- Frequent criticism or yelling from parents.
- Family conflicts or tension.
If you notice your child is becoming shy, consider why this might be happening. It's crucial to help your child manage shyness before starting school, as it can make their experience much harder if left unaddressed.
Advice:
To determine your child's temperament and whether shyness may be caused by parenting mistakes, take our unique Parenting Mentor Test. The recommendations will help you identify the root cause of your child's shyness and correct it before starting school. These tips can also help if your child is already experiencing difficulties with school relationships.
Ways to Help Your Child Overcome Shyness:
- Maintain a Calm Family Atmosphere
Children often become shy when there is tension at home, and they may retreat into their inner world. Quarrels between parents can make a child withdrawn, reinforcing shyness. - Family Celebrations and Performances
Since public speaking can be daunting for shy children, make use of family gatherings where your child can perform a song or poem with siblings or friends. In a supportive environment, they gain experience and confidence, which helps when speaking in front of the class. - Minimize Criticism
Avoid criticizing shy children, as they are highly sensitive and negative feedback can make them even more reserved. - Praise in Front of Others
It's important to praise shy children even more often than others. Praise helps boost their self-esteem, especially when given in front of others. - Correct Privately
If your child misbehaves, correct them privately rather than in public. Use a calm, gentle tone to explain what they did wrong, avoiding shouting. - Encourage Talent Development
Help your child discover areas they excel in, and provide opportunities to deepen these interests—whether through clubs or a tutor. Feeling skilled in a subject can significantly boost confidence. - Join a Drama Club
Encourage your child to participate in theater clubs, often available at school. Explain that on stage, actors “become” their characters, which can help build self-esteem, imagination, and comfort with public speaking.
The Story of a Shy Girl
Here’s a real example of how shyness developed in a girl named Catherine, and how intervention helped her.
A teenage girl named Catherine was sent to the school psychologist after, in the middle of a lesson, she stood up, packed her things, and left the classroom. The psychologist administered the “Draw-a-Person” test to identify her psychological state and the root cause of her behavior. Catherine’s drawing omitted the man's ears. Further discussion revealed her father struggled with alcoholism and frequently argued at home.As a result, Catherine became withdrawn, preferring solitary activities over playing with others. To cope with the stressful home environment, she learned to “switch off” her hearing when voices were raised, effectively shutting down when shouted at or criticized, and withdrawing into her inner world. The absence of ears in her drawing symbolized this coping strategy. Her shyness stemmed from perceiving her environment as aggressive, which made her afraid to speak in public and convinced her that she would be ridiculed if she did.
Psychologist’s Recommended Strategies for Catherine’s Mother:
- Maintain a Calm Home
At the time of intervention, her parents were divorced and the home atmosphere had become more peaceful, but the psychologist also recommended giving Catherine more personal space. - Invite Friends Home
Catherine's mother was outgoing and had many friends. The psychologist suggested inviting them over more often, so Catherine could practice positive communication with different people and overcome social anxiety. - Encourage and Praise
When Catherine offered to help at home, her mother was advised to praise her more for every effort, such as cleaning or cooking, rather than focusing on mistakes. - Show Understanding, Avoid Blame
Restoring trust through acceptance, understanding, empathy, and gentle guidance was essential. Parents should help their child find solutions to conflict at school through supportive, non-judgmental conversation. Trust between parent and child is vital for overcoming shyness.
Important! Advice should be phrased as guiding questions rather than as reprimands, allowing the child to arrive at solutions independently. - Participate in School Events
During school performances, Catherine began to open up, discovering a talent for theatre and a sense of humor. - Reinforce Her Uniqueness
Support the discovery and development of your child's talents. Catherine loved drawing, so her mother enrolled her in art school. There, she built relationships, developed leadership skills, and significantly boosted her self-esteem.
Conclusion: Catherine nearly overcame her shyness. Her relationships at school with classmates and teachers greatly improved, as did her academic and social performance. She became more respected among peers, gaining admiration from both girls and boys who valued her talent.