My son or daughter is abusive, violent, and aggressive towards me. Is it only my fault?
When do parents notice that their child has grown up and become a teenager? For some, it's when they have to buy bigger clothes and shoes more frequently. For others, it's when they can no longer check homework or walk their child to school. Quite often, adolescence reveals itself through sudden aggressive behavior and unexpected cruelty, which can damage relationships.Adolescent cruelty may sometimes happen once, as a way for teens to explore boundaries and understand the world. Adults should not ignore even one instance. If cruelty becomes regular, it's important to look for causes within family relationships. This turbulent stage is challenging for parents and, naturally, many want to step aside, hoping their teen will “sow their wild oats” and come back as a mature, balanced adult. However, growing up can go down a harmful path without parental involvement.
Advice:
Children's aggression is often the result of mistakes made by adults in the upbringing process. You can improve the situation by identifying and understanding the true causes of the problem. We invite you to try our unique Parenting Mentor Test, which will help you understand the reasons behind your child's actions and feelings. You'll receive detailed recommendations on how to prevent frequent conflicts and misunderstandings, as well as guidance on channeling adolescent aggression in healthy directions.
There can be several reasons behind teenage cruelty, and each case is unique. Sometimes, a teenager shows aggression towards relatives as part of their "experimentation".
The developmental tasks of adolescence are:
- testing the boundaries of the world, especially with parents
- checking personal limits
- evaluating the stability of society
- understanding cause-and-effect relationships
Teens may also express one-time situational violence while exploring self-limits, developing self-defense skills, or seeking security.
In this case, you should suggest healthier outlets for your teenager's aggression:
- regular physical activity
- joining martial arts clubs
- participating in team sports
- self-control
- honesty
- empathy
- discipline
- responsibility to the team
- the ability to consider others
Possible causes include:
- Your child may believe this is the easiest way to assert themselves—"win" an argument by shouting or being rough. Sometimes, parents act as "guinea pigs" while teens practice how they'll act with peers.
- This behavior can be a plea for attention if your child feels neglected. Often, parents are baffled when a formerly calm child suddenly provokes them, suspecting the problem lies entirely with the child. In reality, lack of parental attention could be at fault.
- It may be a reaction against parental overprotection. Excessive rules and constant monitoring can teach a child to become secretive, lie, or rebel. This may lead to aggressive behavior or acting out (running away or seeking out questionable friends).
- Your teen may be mirroring your own behavior—both in their interactions with you and what they see between adults at home. If teens witness adults speaking harshly to each other, they may see it as normal for themselves.
- Hormonal shifts are another reason. Remember your own adolescence and how moods could swing wildly. Your teen may be feeling the same way now.
None of us are perfect parents. We all carry the effects of our own childhood experiences, including traumas from parents, peers, or teachers, as well as influences from wider social or political events.
It’s inevitable that some of our words or actions will unintentionally hurt our children. The key is not to sink into guilt or despair, but to recognize mistakes, learn from them, and find ways to repair the parent-child relationship—ideally, with the support of experts. If your teenager repeatedly demonstrates intentional cruelty or aggression, don't blame yourself excessively. Instead, seek constructive new ways of interacting. Try to make up for mistakes—whether conscious or not—and don't hesitate to contact psychologists or counselors specializing in adolescence for guidance.